Wolf's Rain: The Search for Something!
by Secks Puppet
Summary: CH 12! A parody, yo! WARNING: Contains drugalcohol use, sex, swearing, OOCness and crap like that. Someone had to pull the humor outta this show... damn straight it's gonna be me! Better than it sounds. R&R!
1. Miami: City of Sex

Sup sup sup! It's thyme for the Wolf's Rain parody! W00t! Yeah ok. Just for some random shit no one will probably read... (That's ok! Neither do I!) This fic... will be updated... yeah. But I hate leaving people hangin' so... I won't be slow. Treat others as you would want to be treated. And flames are welcome, as long as they make sense.

WARNING: This fic has OFFENSIVE material, so if you're weird and sensitive, omigosh don't read it. Yeah.

DISCLAIMER: Oh PLEASE.

CHARACTER SYNOPSIS:

Kiba - Acts like a bubbly teen girl, who has no idea what he's talking about.

Tsume - So metrosexual that he thinks he's female, and scared of everything.

Hige - Very slow in the head and has very dull senses.

Blue - An anti-humanist who is madly in love with Toboe.

Cheza - Now absolutely senseless, she insists wolves are 'doggies.'

Quent - A former preacher who believes everything has the right to live.

Hubb - An angry young man who was once involved with the French Mafia.

Cher - Way too flirty, and despises Cheza with a passion.

Gehl - Brave and diehard, he lusts for Tsume.

Audience - The only people who know what the hell is going on.

On to teh fic!

EPISODE 1: Miami: City of Sex

(We see our hero KIBA walking down a snowy path)

KIBA: (to audience) I'm looking for paradise! Tee hee! (comes to a 'Y' in the path) I see a sign! Whee!!

SIGN: (pointing left) PARADISE / (pointing right) MIAMI

KIBA: Thank you sign! (goes to his RIGHT)

AUDIENCE: So much for the scent of flowers...

(At the OPEN RANGE with a train)

GEHL: Time to kick some ASS! (begins to pound the train like a madman)

TSUME: (filing nails)

GEHL: Tsume! You're supposed to be helping!

TSUME: Yeah yeah whatever kid.

ROBOT: (appears) Heeeeeere's JHONNY! (kills a few guys)

TSUME: Eek! Get it away get it away get it away!!

GEHL: (uses SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH to chuck the EVIL robot)

TSUME: I like your moves.

GEHL: I like your looks.

(The train STOPS and a huge RAIN CLOUD appears)

TSUME: That like, so cannot be good for my like, hair.

OPENING THEME

STRAY: This song is in English. Maybe it's not in Japanese!

TSUME: Observations and inferences.

(In one of the many bars Miami)

QUENT: I'll take an apple juice.

BARKKEEP: My grandfather told me all about wolves.

QUENT: Good for you.

(Outside)

BLUE: I spy with my little eye... a paranoid metrosexual wolf!

TSUME: (acts like he's been shot) Oh, ya got me! (runs away)

(In the catacombs, A.K.A a sewer)

GEHL: Our next raid is tonight!!

TSUME: (in a whiny voice) But Ge-ehl...

GEHL: No whining! We must strike! Ninja force! HUAH!!

TSUME: ...?

(The next day at THE TREE OF LIFE)

RANDOM MAN: This conveniently placed main character is dying!

TSUME: Main character?! &!! &$!!! &$ (&!!!! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOSTEST IMPORTANTEST PERSONA! (huff fume)

MOB MAN: Tsume has issues.

TSUME: Pull out this (sarcasm) protagonist...!

KIBA: (gasp) PERVERTS! (kills RANDOM MAN)

TSUME'S GANG: (gasp) OMIGOSH!

TSUME: Eek! It's scary! (runs away)

KIBA: (chases TSUME) Whee! Tag!

GEHL: Fear not, Tsume! I shalt saveth thee!

AUDIENCE: We are NOT reassured.

(on the ROOF of absolutely NOTHING)

TSUME: Don't kill me!

KIBA: It was an accident I swear!

(KIBA and TSUME proceed in a CATFIGHT)

(in the LAB)

CHEZA: OMIGOSH I'M AWAAAKE! DOGGIES!

CHER: (gasp) Cheza... I will... kill you!

CHEZA: That's not very nice.

(once again, on the roof)

GEHL: (gasp) TSUME! (GEHL kills some AIR MOLECULES)

KIBA: I flee from thee! I flee from thee! (guess. He DOES.)

GEHL: It's just you and me Tsume... (sexy growl)

AUDIENCE: O0

TSUME: Don't harass a gal with PMS, yo. (he LEAVES)

AUDIENCE: Good for you, Tsume! Walk away from sexual harassment!

(in the LAB)

CHER: Now that you're awake Cheza, you can finally fight me. In a battle for Hubb's affection!!

CHEZA: What the hell?

(in the STREETS of MIAMI)

KIBA: I'm dying. Feel sorry for me!

LITTLE BABY: I feel you, Kiba. I feel you.

QUENT: Ooh Kiba! You poor thing! Let me take you to the vet!

KIBA: NO! Anything but that!

QUENT: Forgive me, father! (Shoots KIBA with TRANQUELIZER)

AUDIENCE: Damn.

(In a confined, scary, cold room)

HUBB: So, you're Quent? Quent Yaiden? I hate religious people.

QUENT: That's okay, as long as you save that wolf.

HUBB: S'not happenin'.

QUENT: You are a sinner.

HUBB: I know...

QUENT: Hey, did you know that was a wolf?

HUBB: Yes. Yes I did. (cough silence)

(EERIE NOISES are heard. Things VIBRATE)

KIBA: (singing) Who's outside my window?

(somewhere)

HUBB: Cher Cher Cher. You should see this... thing.

CHER: We are breaking up.

HUBB: Tragic.

HIGE: Hum dee dum, pigs in a bun...

HUBB: (growl yell) You there! Stay back! Get away!

HIGE: Eer, come again?

HUBB: (takes out pistol) LEAVE NOW!

HIGE: Oh. Oh! Okay. Bye now. (he LEAVES)

HUBB: Cher Cher Cher. Do you think it's a wolf?

CHER: Well, it's certainly not Cheza!

(silence silence)

AUDIENCE MEMBER: (cough)

(A HERD OF TUMBLEWEED rolls by)

HUBB: I have allergies.

(Somewhere, again)

TSUME: I can fight with ya'll.

GEHL: It'll be my job to protect you.

TSUME: As if. (cough fume huff sneeze)

(In the room where KIBA is trapped) (KIBA: I'm not trapped!)

HIGE: You screwed up.

KIBA: Why... why are you here?

HIGE: I forget.

(Uncomfortable silence)

KIBA: You have no pride.

HIGE: I know...

(at the RAID!) (w00t)

PEOPLE: Arr! Shoot 'em down! (fire randomly)

GEHL: (he GETS SHOT) Arr!! They... they got m-me... gwar. (he falls for FIVE MINUTES)

AUDIENCE: We just lost five minutes of our lives watching some dude fall.

TSUME: Sorry, Gehl.

(at the LAB ENTRANCE)

KIBA: Omigosh! I'm free! (he FROLICS around)

HUBB: I still have allergies.

(Shot of CHEZA)

(Shot of BLUE)

(Shot of QUENT)

(Shot of TSUME... who is eating... something...)

HIGE: Are you feeling better, Kiba-Chan?

KIBA: Even though you find out in a sec there is no moonlight, yes, there is a full moon.

HIGE: I can smell dog shit from 2 feet away.

KIBA: I'm impressed.

HIGE: You should be.

(KIBA and HIGE have a STARING CONTEST)

KIBA: Are you checking me out?

HIGE: You bet your buttons. So where you going?

KIBA: Oh, me? I'm going to- (KIBA suddenly GOES BLANK. It is the most IMPORTANT LINE in the ENTIRE SERIES.)

HIGE: Going to paradise?

KIBA: No, I don't think that was it.

HIGE: Whatev.

KIBA: I can't see the moon here.

HIGE: You are messed.

ENDING THEME

SAKAMOTO: I impressed so many fans with my jammin' vocals.

CONTE: We should date.

SAKAMOTO: I'm down.

PREVIEW

MYSTERIOUS PERSONA: Yeah, Leara is such a fag. But you don't know her yet... you

don't know me either.

Soo... what did you think? Gwar. Please please please please please please please REVIEW!!!!! I'm BEGGING YOU!!! Arr...


	2. Toboe, Who Actually Does Howl

Finally! The second chapter! Sorry if that took a while... hee. I kept meaning to do it, but I got distracted... Don't ask me questions, I just did! Okay, here's another character synopsis for the dudes in this chappy.

Toboe - Just OC, he thinks a lot of people are sexy.   
Leara - A porn star, she likes cute things.   
Neze - A nazi, who actually really hates Darcia.   
Darcia - Has really bad amnesia, he likes to call cool things 'waffles.'

So yeah... have fun.

EPISODE 2: Toboe, Who Actually Does Howl

(in the MYSTERIOUS MANOR TYPE RUINS)

DARCIA: I still have a nanny. (proceeds to PEE his PANTS)

NEZE: Say, Darth Wig, :.a/n: Neze's nickname for Darcia.: I saw a few wolves the other day.

DARCIA: Good for you. You were a child, once upon a time in Mexico.

NEZE: What a surprise, so were you! (gives DARCIA the FINGER)

AUDIENCE: That scene was totally wasted.

OPENING

CONTE: I'm so sexy!

HIGE: Ooh! Goosebumps! Goosebumps!

(In the LAB)

CHEZA: I'm still awake people!

CHER: That you are... (growl) (CHER turns to face CONVIENIANTLY PLACED SCIENTIST) So... she's awake?

CONVIENIANTLY PLACED SCIENTIST: Erm... yes... yes she is. (is CONFUSED by CHER'S sudden LACK OF INTELLIGENCE)

CHER: That's not cool. She won't be awake for much longer! (maniacal laughter)

CHEZA: That one scares this one.

CONVIENIANTLY PLACED SCIENTIST: (Is STILL CONFUSED)

DOCTOR MAN: Cher, your pimp is on the phone.

CHER: (picks up the phone) What now.

HUBB: Cher, I just called to say... I don't love you anymore.

CHER: 'Kay, I'm coming down to give you a bitch slap. (she HANGS UP very RUDELY)

AUDIENCE: Tsss... Ice bitch!

(in the ROOM OF EXTREME DÉJÀ VU)

HUBB: (reveals DEAD GEHL) This boy is dead.

CHER: No shit, sherlock.

HUBB: He has bite marks on his shoulder!

AUDIENCE: Ooh! Plot twist! Plot twist!

CHER: (gasp) Could it be that wild drug dealer with a massive amount of steroids intake and molests young boys and steals mashed potatoes and screams curses in 12 different languages at 12:47 on the dot at night every Tuesday and Sunday and pulls over cops and tells them they're under arrest and chews his popcorn incredibly loud in the movies and dances naked outside my window at 1:23 PM on Fridays and scales walls at random and has an obsession with big hats?! Could it be him? COULD IT BE HIM?! (takes a deep breath, and begins to HYPERVENTYLATE)

HUBB: No Cher, I don't think it was... that guy.

CHER: Oh. Okay! (inspects MYSTERIOUS HAIR A)

HUBB: How do you know that's not the dead boys hair?

CHER: Because he has red hair! And dread locks! When people have dread locks, their hair never falls out! Fashion faux pas, like totally! (she inspects MYSTERIOUS HAIR B)

HUBB: He's still dead.

(SOMEWHERE)

MYSTERY DOG: I will now slay those pagan crows! (he TRIES, alas FAILS) Curses!

LEARA: (walks by, singing) On the good ship, lollypop... (drops a POTATO) Oops! (she BENDS DOWN to pick it up, only having the wind blow up her SKIRT) Oh! (blush giggle wink)

MYSTEY DOG: Eew, what a slut... but a HOT SLUT!

LEARA: Oh my God! A dog! Have some sausages! (throws around SAUSAGES like a MADMAN)

MYSTERY DOG: I'm scared.

LEARA: Well, I have to go so I can film myself in my room and then get a beating by my abusive father! Bye now! (she LEAVES)

MYSTERY DOG: Bye...

(in the ALLEYS OF MIAMI)

GAND MAN: run huff run huff huff...

SOLDIER MAN: BAM! (he CAPTURES the GANG MAN)

FAT LADY: Omigosh! Did you hear there are WOLVES in the CITY! (cough inhale)

ANOREXIC LADY: I know! I've SEEN them!

FAT LADY: No you haven't... it's just a rumor, they're extinct!

ANOREXIC LADY: Didn't I tell you before!? I see dead people...

KIBA: I hate it when people spread rumors about me! It's sooo uncool.

HIGE: Did you say something? (he STEALS a HOTDOG)

HOTDOG VENDOR: I am TOTALLY oblivious.

HIGE: Have a hotdog!

KIBA: Eew, hotdogs from Miami? They are so much better in New York City! Per say, like cheese stakes are to Philadelphia! And ribs to Chicago! And Mexican food to Mexico!

HIGE: (with his MOUTH FULL) That hotdog fried your brain! Of COURSE Mexican food is to Mexico! That's why they call it Mex-

KIBA: I'm going to cosplay as a gang member and get captured so I can save Cheza. How do you think I would look in a trench coat? No, maybe the leather jacket... or maybe... (KIBA walks away, TALKING TO HIMSELF)

HIGE: (sigh) Just like he said, like clothes are to cross dressers...

(at the TREE OF LIFE)

TSUME: Oh, I'm all alooone!

(flash of falling GEHL)

GANG MAN: You killed Gehl! You murderer...

OTRO GANG MAN: We should take the freight train out of here soon!

TSUME: No! We must stay for Gehls cremation!

GANG MAN: How can you cremate someone if you don't even have the body...?

TSUME: (sob) Don't talk to me about! I'll be in my room... (flees to his ROOM)

(in the LAB)

CHER: These hairs do not match! Hence they do not have the same color!

HUBB: I'm so glad you could figure that out Cher.

CHER: To me Hubb, it sound like you have an obsession.

HUBB: With what?

CHER: I don't know! Just an obsession! (she HANGS UP)

(in the ALLEYS OF MIAMI)

QUENT: (in preacher-type voice) Now listen here Blue, my faithful friend! We must make sure the wolves live! So we must save them from people who look and supposedly act like me!

BLUE: Get away from me, human!

MYSTERY BOY: Jajaja... time to stalk the porn star!

LEARA: Another stalker? That's the fourth one this week!

MYSTERY BOY: She's ignoring me? B-but I'm a stalker! Fine, it's time to take action! (he APPROACHES LEARA) Thanks for the sausages...

LEARA: Which ones? (giggle wink)

MYSTERY BOY: Ugh, that's nasty! By the way, the name's Toboe.

LEARA: Ooh, Toboe... I always like to get to know my... clients. (giggle blush wink giggle)

TOBOE: Okay, I'm just gonna go... place... (he DOES)

(In MORE ALLEYS)

TSUME: Kiba got captured, and here I was thinking he was tough!

TOBOE: (bumps into TSUME. BILLABONG music plays) hey there, sexy.

TSUME: Sorry you're not my type.

QUENT: BOO! Trick or tr-

TSUME: FLEE! (TSUME begins to SCALE WALLS)

TOBOE: (follows TSUME) Huah! The Matrix has you!

QUENT: Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

(somewhere in MIAMI)

TOBOE: You're hot. But you probably hate me. That man was bad news.

TSUME: Go away, I have to go to my manicure appointment. It doesn't involve... people.

TOBOE: (suddenly DISSAPEARS)

(in the JAIL)

KIBA: (crying like a LITTLE GIRL) Nooo! Why did I have to follow through with this plan!? Why?! I don't deserve this! Let me out! Please! Waah!!!!

HIGE: Jesus Christ, Kiba! Keep it down!

KIBA: (sniffle) Hige, you're here! (GLOMP)

HIGE: I'm content.

(In the SUBURBS OF MIAMI)

TOBOE: I see a bird! It must be Leara's! (he CHASES IT, and KILLS IT)

LEARA: Where's my birdy! It's been one minute and it hasn't come home yet! I'm so worried!

TOBOE: Hey, Leara. I killed your bird.

LEARA: Omigosh, Toboe you are full of shit.

TOBOE: (hands LEARA her BIRD) Here ya go, bitch.

LEARA: My bird's dead, my bird's dead, my bird's dead, my bi- (is BITCH SLAPPED by TOBOE)

TOBOE: I hate you so much, girl. But, I still want that body of yours. (proceeds in a MAKE OUT session with LEARA)

AUDIENCE: Damn.

(TOBOE suddenly goes all WOLF-LIKE)

LEARA: Oo SWEET JESUS!!

TOBOE: I'm so offended! (he CRIES)

TSUME: Toboe! What ugly hair you have! Makeover time! (he FROLICKS OFF with TOBOE to the MAKEOVER OF DOOM)

(in TSUME'S LOVE SHACK)

TOBOE: I'm guilty.

TSUME: You better be, with hair like that. Tsk tsk...

TOBOE: My granny didn't care about my looks that much.

TSUME: Yeah, until it got so out of hand that she threw you out.

TOBOE: No, actually I came home one day after rolling around in dead skunk and mud. It was either the stench or my looks that sent her into shock. She died. I couldn't help it! It was so tempting!

TSUME: Looks like you need to control your fashion hormones.

(MYSTERIOUS FOOTSTEPS are heard)

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Frodo Baggins, these are the footsteps of doom...!

TSUME: What the fuck?!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Oops! Wrong address!

(in a HOTEL)

HUBB: Looks like my extreme navigation skillz led me to you!

QUENT: Damn!

(back in TSUME'S DEN)

SED/TO: Tsume, we're leaving you! (walks away)

TSUME: (breaks into SONG) When you walk away, you don't hear me say, Ooh baby, don't go!

TOBOE: Shut up Tsume!

(a NOBLE SHIP is seen in the SKY)

KIBA: It smells like evil poo in here.

HIGE: I have the key.

KIBA: What a team we have!

(KIBA and HIGE make a RUN FOR IT)

(in the LAB)

DOCTOR MAN: Cher! Wake up!

CHER: Mmff (snort yawn) what is it now?

DOCTOR MAN: The power will go out in 3... 2... 1...

(Surprisingly enough, the POWER GOES OUT)

CHER: (gasp) I will not let Cheza die because of this! Only I can kill her!

(in the HALLS)

(KIBA and HIGE stop, and spin around for a bit. They eventually DISSAPEAR)

(in the LAB)

CHER: Cheza's not dead.

DARCIA: I know.

CHER: (gasp) you scared me!

DARCIA: Exactly the purpose!

CHER: I know...

(silence)

DARCIA: Go to sleep.

CHER: It's about time! (she DOES)

DARCIA: I see you but do you see me? (he frees CHEZA)

(In ANOTHER ALLEY)

KIBA: Why are we running away from the place we wanted to be in?

HIGE: I don't know!

DARCIA: APPEARS!

KIBA: Woah.

ENDING

KIBA: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!

SAKAMOTO: Run, Kiba, run! Everybody, run for your liiiiives!!!!!

PREVIEW

QUENT: Blah blah blah Vodka. Blah blah blah Good Preacher.

TOBOE: You suck.

That was chapter 2! Omg yay! Now it's time for... dun dun dun dun! SHOUTOUTS!

WOLFlovercf7 - I... actually don't know where I came up with that... Hee! Thanks for the review!

devilishtomboy - I'm continuing yay! (gives a cookie)

hige's-little-problem - Thanks so much! I'm so happy I made people laugh!

annyomous - I've updated, if you want to call this an actual update... (cough wheeze hack). Hey, isn't it funny that 'annyomous' is spelled wrong on word? Teehee... okay...

Toboe's pup - Yes, they all do need help, alas, there is no cure for OOCness! XD

Magical Girl Pretty Sammy-Chan - Thank you sooooo much! I agree, Tsume's great in this one. Thanks for the review!

Whiskers - Haha, thanks so much! Arr, Spanish evil ! XD XD XD ... anyway, Kiba is like, totally mine!

VASH THE STAMPEDE63 - Thank you soooo much! Half the credit to this chappy goes to you, you gave me the idea on what to do with Toboe and Leara. (MEGA GLOMP)

That actually took a long time to write, though it's short. Review please! They make my world go round! They do! They really do! Fuel ma fiya!!! (translation: fuel my fire) Ducky Out, peace dawgs!


	3. Good Preacher

THYME FOR CHAPTER 3! Oh yay, what fun! This didn't take too long (lie!), and I had fun writing it (lie!). Actually, I'm just playing with you (truth!). Well, enjoy because we are on the long, long path of freakin 30 chapters (if not more)! Well, just to warn y'all, this is a freaking long chapter, so watch out! Ehrm… yes… Bon appetite!

EPISODE 3: Good Preacher

OPENING

CONTE: Guess who's going to make a guest appearance today? (he is wearing GUESS JEANS)

CHER: This guy is too coordinated.

(Once again, in the DARK ALLEYWAY (of DOOM))

(DARCIA appears on a pole, carrying CHEZA bridal style. Alas, he slips and falls on his ass, but quickly regains his dignity… and CHEZA)

HIGE: Too smooth.

DARCIA: (gasp) Waffles…

KIBA: (gasp) How did he know!?

DARCIA: (begins to MOLEST CHEZA)

CHEZA: SQUEEE!!! (CHEZA lets out a HIGH-PITCHED scream that is IMMENSLY ANNOYING)

(flash to TSUME'S PIMP HOUSE)

TOBOE: Eek! My sensitive ears they burn! (he stands and RUNS AROUND IN CIRCLES. He is so BLINDED BY FEAR that he runs INTO THE WALL.)

TSUME: Good, now I don't have to tell him to shut up, cause dude, my throat is like so, like so!

(back to the ALLEY)

DARCIA: (stops MOLESTING CHEZA)

HIGE: Damn! I was gonna do that! Damn.

DARCIA: (EXAMINES the wolves) Party at my place. See you there… waffles. (maniacal laughter) (disappears in an ANIME LIKE WAY TYPE THING TYPE)

(The POWER GOES BACK ON)

KIBA: That was intense.

(In a HOTEL ROOM)

BLUE: I see a flying star! Kukuku! It smells like purty flowers. Sqwee!

(In TSUME'S STEAMY LOVE MANSION)

TSUME: (singing) Toooooboooe… open your eeeeeyeeees….

TOBOE: I'm trying to block out the image of you singing.

TSUME: That wasn't me, it was the sound of some dying machine… or the little voices in your head.

TOBOE: Yeah right, fuckwit.

(in a HOTEL ROOM)

QUENT: I saw a few wolves the other day.

HUBB: Yea… sure…

QUENT: I really did!

HUBB: (inspects EMPTY bottles) Do you have a drinking problem?

QUENT: I was raised off of apple juice, it's not my fault!

HUBB: …?

QUENT: But I really did see wolves. Blue did too!

BLUE: I don't know you! You can't see me! The acid from all that apple juice must be getting to you! I'm just an invisible spirit! No one can see me-

QUENT: Shut up while I'm talking to you! You saw wolves the other day, didn't you?

BLUE: No. No I did not.

HUBB: Quent, who are you talking to?

QUENT: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

(In the SEWERS)

KIBA: Dammit, why does this entire city smell like evil poo?

HIGE: Shut up! Don't diss dinner!

(LATER)

KIBA: I can't believe I had evil mouse poo for dinner.

HIGE: It affects the brain. I should know.

KIBA: Darcia probably ate too much of it. He was totally wack!

HIGE: Wiggidy wack?

KIBA: Even worse!

HIGE: That's pretty bad.

KIBA: I know… he said a lot of stuff.

HIGE: I know…

KIBA: A lot of stuff…

HIGE: I KNOW.

KIBA: A lot of stuff…

HIGE: I KNOW!!

KIBA: Do you?

HIGE: Wait- what?!

KIBA: I don't know…

AUDIENCE: That was freakin weird!

(SOMEWHERE CONTROL)

MYSTERIOUS ENTITY: I said bring me the… what the fuck?

VOICE: Erak iyu ghen jel koj…

MYSTERIOUS ENTITY: What the hell?

VOICE: Ran iou hegr mel noj?

MYSETERIOUS ENTITY: Uh…

VOICE: Can you hear me now?

MYSTERIOUS ENTITY: Yes…

VOICE: Good!

MYSTERIOUS ENTITY: As I was saying… I would like to order a small white flower with four, possibly five steaks on the side, and 3 chicken tenders.

VOICE: Would you like fries with that?

MYSTERIOUS ENTITY: I'm down.

(In TSUME'S PIMPIN HOTEL)

TOBOE: I'm going to visit Leara!

TSUME: You dumb?

RANDOM NEZE VOICE: So it would seem…

AUDIENCE: Damn, she needs to stop saying that!

(silence)

TOBOE: Can't you be honest with yourself? It's you who is dumb!

TSUME: (begins to TWITCH)

TOBOE: I mean, come one! You have no common sense, and can't even tell if you're female or not!

TSUME: How DARE you question my gender! Especially when most people think you're a girl, until told otherwise!

TOBOE: (gasp) Is this true?

AUDIENCE: Yes… (nod nod)

TOBOE: No wonder I'm offered sex by only men! NOOO! (he runs away, CRYING)

TSUME: I'm envious.

(in the HOSPITAL)

HUBB: Cher…

CHER: Hubb…

HUBB: Cher…

CHER: What is it Hubb?

HUBB: Cher, you have a huge mutha zit on yo face.

CHER: Is it red?

HUBB: Just like the moon!

CHER: (gasp) The red moon?

HUBB: Yes, the red moon.

CHER: (gasp) The red moon…

HUBB: Dammit, stop mocking me!

CHER: (gasp) The red dammit…

HUBB: Cher… You need to rest… Take this… (he hands CHER an UGLY SCARF)

CHER: What? It's NOT red?!

(SOMEWHERE A)

TSUME: Hum dee dum… walking innocently along…

SED/TO: KILL HIM!

POLICE MEN: ARRR! (they SUDDENLY STOP)

POLICE MAN PERSON THING: (cough cough hack wheeze fart sneeze sneeze fart)

POLICE MEN: ARRRR! (they RESUME THE CHASE)

TSUME: Ar? (he TURNS, and uses his MATRIX SKILLZ to knock the POLICE MEN down. He APPEARS in front of SED/TO) Why did you betray me!? And I thought we had something! (he CRIES)

SED/TO: (IS SO NERVOUS, he forgets what to SAY) Gehl is still dead because of you.

(silence)

TSUME: Uh. Yes. Yes he is.

SED/TO: Actually, just kidding! I saw him get up and brush the dirt off his shoulder. He ran away, and is currently a pimp daddy in the open city to the northwest.

(The answer is: yes, my friends. This story takes place at a time when people are to god damn lazy to name a freakin city! You would've thought it would be something catchy and jammin' like: Kookzvillxenia, or something like that, with a deranged form of spelling to confuse people! Mmyes. Well, hey. Look on the bright side. I bet a few people thought "The Domed City" sounded pretty cool. I mean, yeah. It sounds exciting to people who live in other cities, maybe. 'Cause, Cool title tourists. Ya gotta have the tourists!)

ALL: (ALL is CONFUSED by the sudden OUTBURST about naming cities by the FREAKISH AUTHORESS)

TSUME: ANYway… why are you here?

SED/TO: On of those damn train bouncers didn't let us in, and we need your freakish coolness to help us get in.

TSUME: As if! No way am I like, going to ruin MY reputation to get a few ugly dudes like you into a pimpin' train. I am sooo better than that!

SED/TO: No, Tsume! You must help us! You are the king- I mean queen of all the pimped items in this city! I didn't mean to defy you Tsume please, I'll do whatever you want I'll even sleep with yo-

TSUME: DAMN HUMANS! (snarl growl huff fume glare twitch)

SED/TO: The fuck?

TSUME: (FLEES with his MAD MATRIX SKILLZ)

SED/TO: I've seen him do the matrix so many times, and for the first time I am in awe.

(At the MARKET)

LEARA: Funny how my Daddy buys all this food and isn't obese. (blush giggle wink wink)

AUDIENCE: This girl is so random.

LEARAS DAD: Actually, she's just crazy!

LEARA: Nooo!!! (She runs away)

QUENT: That's sooo mysterious! Family problems always have something to do with wolvies! (he FOLLOWS in a MYSTERIOUS WAY)

(SOMEWHERE B)

TOBOE: What does Tsume know!? I can totally get a makeover and prove myself male-looking worthy!

HIGE: Oh no… daylight. We must be lost!

KIBA: I'm never trusting your eyes again.

HIGE: Who said I used my eyes?

TOBOE: You guys are like me?!

KIBA: Yup. Lost, hopeless, abused by humans and bad fashion sense.

TOBOE: We must be soul mates!

LEARA: What about me?

TOBOE: Where the fuck did you come from… Erm, I mean. No, Leara you're too hot and too female to be one of us.

LEARA: I'm so hurt! DADDY! Some wolves just totally discarded me from their posse!

LEARA'S DAD: (gasp) Now who da fuck did dat?

QUENT: Wolvies! Yay!

BLUE: I… must escape! (she DOES)

HIGE: Let's run! (they DO)

(SOMEWHERE C)

LEARA: Toboe, I will keep on stalking you until you let me into your freakin posse!

TOBOE: Why Leara? Can't you understand that your not cool enough to be one of us?

LEARA: No! That's so like totally not normal!

TOBOE: (he PUSHES LEARA) I'm so sorry!

LEARA: (is knocked down by THE FEM PUSH OF DOOM) Waah! My ass! The pain!

TOBOE: Then why the fuck are you holding your head!?

HIGE: Dude, get your fat ass in gear and move it!

TOBOE: Jesus Christ Hige! I'm actually surprised you can fit through that goddamn tube thing!

LEARA: I'm sooo much very in soooo pain much like!

HIGE: Someone needs speech therapy. (the WOLVIES DISSAPEAR)

LEARA'S DAD: Leara, are you okay??!!

LEARA: Waah!! My ass hurts! (is STILL HOLDING her HEAD)

QUENT: Someone needs anatomy lessons!

(PLACE)

BLUE: Arr! I spot thee! I spot thee!

TSUME: You have mad skillz, but could you match mine in cross-dressing? (TSUME RANDOMLY falls off of PLACE)

BLUE: I follow thee! I follow thee! (she DOES)

TSUME: Too bad, sucka! I faked you out, yo! Nyahahaha! (he RUNS AWAY)

ARMY MAN: This generation is sooo troubled.

(ANOTHER PLACE)

HUBB: Now, y'all are probably wondering… what the fuck does bird feathers fallin' from the sky have to do with anything!? Well, I'll tell you! I'm goddamn allergic to them! And they most certainly have nutin' to do wit dem noble ass sucka's… S'all about me!

(PLACE)

QUENT: Why do you keep faking death Blue? You're starting to frighten me!

BLUE: Despite the fact that I'm breathing and I just opened my eye, I'm still dead!

QUENT: (sniffle tears) Do you really hate me that much?

BLUE: Yes.

QUENT: (gasp) Blue, there is hair on you!

BLUE: (gasp) Could it be mine?

QUENT: Ha! Of course not! (inspects MYSTERIOUS HAIR C) There's blood too.

BLOOD: I play SUCH an important role. I mean, come on! I'm wolf's blood! I mean, seriously dude! The next DVD volume is in fact, called Blood and Flowers! Like, the first one is totally me! I mean, I made Cheza wake up in the first place, and if it wasn't for me, there would be no Wolf's Rain! And there would be no 700 and some fanfics on the internet as of today if it wasn't for me! So ha! Y'all are suckas! Nyahaha kiss my red ass! Ha! Ahaha! Mwahahahaha!! BWAHAHAH- (is STEPPED ON by ARMY MAN)

(in the SEWERS)

TOBOE: nyai'mtoboe.

HIGE: hii'mhige.

KIBA: andi'mkiba.

AUDIENCE: (is SCARED by this sudden LACK OF USE OF SPACEBARS and CAPITALIZATION)

TOBOE: Soooo… where are we headed?

KIBA: Somewhere…

HIGE: Like totally!

TOBOE: Hey, do you guys no Tsume?

KIBA: The fem one, yea…

TOBOE: Yea! Maybe he'd like to come!

HIGE: Sorry, this is an all male posse.

KIBA: Yeah, and we totally have to hurry! There's no time for followers! Especially that Leara fag!

TOBOE: (in a PISSY MOOD) You guys suck! She was gonna screw me! Now I'll never get any action for at least another day! And who knows when that'll roll around!

KIBA: (drops to one knee to examine BLOOD SPOTS and spies a QUARTER) I found a quarter (grins) I SHALL NAME HIM STEVE!

MYSTERY VOICE A.k.a. STEVE CONTE: Stray-ay! (echo echo echo)

(silence silence echo echo silence)

KIBA: O…kay…

TOBOE: Who knew there could be a singing quarter…

HIGE: These are troubled thymes indeed.

(silence)

HIGE: Shake a leg runt!

TOBOE: (TOBOE takes HIGE quite literally and begins to do THE CHARLIE BROWN)

KIBA: Dance runt, dance!

(in TSUME'S LOVE SHACK)

KIBA: I found you, Tsume!

TSUME: Damn!

TOBOE: Tsume! I love you!

HIGE: Woah.

KIBA: Come to paradise with us Tsume! We need your pimpin skillz to get us through the future cities we encounter!

TSUME: As if!

KIBA: Then why did you all come here? To this city? BECAUSE IT SMELLED LIKE LUNAR FLOWERS!

TOBOE: Actually, I was born outside the city gates-

KIBA: Shut up, that's beside the point! The flower is gone! We MUST find it!

TSUME: It? I thought it was a she-

HIGE: What's this? (he DROPS a HOAGIE out of the OPEN WINDOW. It lands on an ARMY MAN, causing him to CURSE LOUDLY.) (gasp) There are people down there!

(meanwhile…)

ARMY MAN: Some camp we have here, my mom's house is better than thi- (a HOAGIE falls from the SKY and LANDS ON HIS HEAD) (gasp) There are people up there! And they messed up my uniform! KILL!

ARMY MEN: (they SHOOT at TSUME'S LOVE SHACK)

(In TSUME'S LOVE SHACK)

KIBA: Flee! (they DO)

(SOMEHWERE D)

KIBA: Er'body! Run for your LIIIVES!!! They are going to kill us all! RUN!

HIGE: Dammit, Kiba! What the fuck does it look like we're doing?!

KIBA: It looks like your FROLICING! Run like a man, fools!

TOBOE: Argh! I fall! (he DOES)

(INSTANT REPLAY)

GEHL: I'm still falling!

(BACK TO THE SCENE)

TSUME: I shall saveth thee!

TOBOE: You saved me!

RANDOM NEZE VOICE: So it would seem…

(silence)

TSUME: I'm leaving you.

(IN A PIMPED CAR)

QUENT: The SPCA isn't far, so we'll be able to bring them there!

HUBB: There are no wolves, and you better have some hairy humans if you want to bring them to the SPCA!

(FLASH TO THE ATTACK)

KIBA: (singing) Tiptoe through the tulips…

(FLASH TO CHER'S HOUSE)

CHER: I'm reading.

(SOMEWHERE E)

KIBA: We should be safe here.

HIGE: Yeah, the army people are only twenty feet below us.

TSUME: I'm heeeere!!!

TOBOE: TSUME!

TSUME: Ahem. From now on, I shall be referred to as "Pimpin' Dawg T-bone," ya got that?

ARMY MEN: DIE FOOLS!

TSUME: Run!

KIBA: Hurry up, Pimpin' Dawn T-bone!

TSUME: That name is so yesterday, so-

HILLARY DUFF: So yesterday! (echo echo)

TSUME: Ahem. So just call me Tsume!

HIGE: Make up your mind, dammit!

(the POSSE comes to a GIANT LEDGE)

KIBA: Jump! Whee! (he BREAKS HIS ANKLES) I'm okay!

TOBOE: I'm preparing! (he puts on a PARACHUTE) Okay! (he JUMPS, and LANDS SAFELY)

KIBA: Are you afraid, Tsume?

TSUME: Afraid of the jump, no. Afraid of losing my reputation hanging out with freaks like you, yes!

QUENT: Arr! It's a wolf! We must take it to the SPCA! (he tries to shoot it WITH TRANQULIZER)

HUBB: Stop it, Quent! Not that, shoot it with this! (he hands QUENT a MISSLE LAUNCHER)

QUENT: Never!

HUBB: Always!

QUENT: (he SHOOTS, but MISSES) Gwar!

KIBA: Are you still afraid?

TSUME: For my reputation, I'm terrified! (he JUMPS ANYWAY)

HUBB: PUNCH!

QUENT: Ouch!

(ANOTHER RANDOM PLACE)

HUBB: Look. Look at these footprints.

QUENT: Those belong to the wolvies!

HUBB: (gasp) I thought they were human… but they're not!

QUENT: I'm doing it for good, Hubb. I only want those creatures to live.

HUBB: They must die!

(In the SNOWY PLAINS)

KIBA: We're free! (he FROLICS AROUND)

TSUME: (sigh) I suppose my reputation can kiss my ass… I'll miss you! (he RUNS)

ENDING

KIBA: I feel so free! (he GOES ALL HUMAN LIKE, yet unfortunately forgets CLOTHES. KIBA is arrested for INDECENT EXPOSURE) No! Now I'm going to have to be replaced! I hate having stunt doubles!

DIRECTOR: What the fuck are you talking about, you ask for them all the time!

KIBA: Oh.

PREVIEW

HUBB: I have allergies. Like, I'm allergic to hay, but what that has to do with me staying in a cold, stone city will forever be a mystery!

I'm sorry… but that sucked. I sometimes have rare moments where I laugh at what I wrote, but I had none of them this time. It was really long though! Damn. It's shout out time, youngins'!

Moon Dog – Waai! Thank you sooo much! (hug) I hope you liked this chappy!

Suni Daughter of Moro - Teehee! Thanks so much Ali-san, you rascal, you! (poke poke)

Anonymous - Thank you very much! And yes, I am planning to do the entire series. And about the OVA's… I didn't know there were ones, so you'll have to fill me in. But if they're dubbed, on DVD or on CN, then yes. So yea… Yea.

VASH THE STAMPEDE63 – Yay! Sankyuu very much for da review! I really liked the stuff you gave me, but I couldn't use all of it because I already had stuff written up for that certain scene. But you'reso inspiring! I hope you liked this chapter, because I totally hated it. XD (hug)

Toboe's pup – Yo, dude. Don't push it. Kiba is 100 mine and that will never ever change! Mineminemineminemineminemine. But whatev, so thanks for the review! (bows)

Buddi-chan - I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks so much for the review, and I hope you liked this chapter… because… it was long… and boring…

Whiskers - Ahh… so the second chapter was funny… Thank you lots! (gives a balloon)

Just for a little special generic treat, I'll have chapter 5 in on Christmas. Yay, presents in a compy!


	4. Gundams in the Outfield

Yay! The fourth chappy is finally here! I really didn't like this one, and I think I'm starting to hit a humor dry spell. I need you people! Send me your ideas! I need them! And the reviews... they help too! If you wanna laugh more, review!

Anyway… the fourth Wolf's Rain DVD comes out today, to go with the fourth chapter. Ugh I have problems. But who cares because I'm going to BEST BUY!!! I totally am in love with that store…! (Yes, I am fully aware that I have… problems.)

EPISODE 4: Gundams in the Outfield

OPENING

CONTE: Dude, I am like, so 80's.

KIBA: Dude.

(we actually don't see OUR HEROS, but we do SEE SNOW)

AUDIENCE: It's snowing!

(finally, we see OUR HEROS. First they RUN, then they TROT, then they WALK, then they DIE! Actually just kidding not yet. Eventually, it SNOWS AGAIN, and OUR HEROS take shelter in a CAVE)

TOBOE: I'm so hungry!

HIGE: I feel you man. It's been like, three hours!

TOBOE: Ugh, that's so terrible!

HIGE: Sing it to me sista!

TSUME: Shut up youngins, you're doing my head in!

KIBA: You know, I've been a full DAY without food. Thanks to moonlight. I LOOOOVE moonlight! (giggle snort)

TOBOE: That's insane. I was seriously starting to question your humanity, but now I fully know you are not normal.

KIBA: Of course you were questioning my humanity! I'm a wolf dammit!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: (chewing LOUDLY on POPCORN) What the fuck? Wolves?! Dammit, I want my money back! (he LEAVES)

TSUME: Well anyways, we could… always give each other MAKEOVERS! (FANGIRL SQUEAL) Omigosh, Toboe, I'm like, totally doing your hair! (giggle snort laughter blink blush giggle)

TOBOE: Wait a second…! Why not Kiba?

TSUME: Because even this early in the series, he's been deemed far too hot, sexy or adorable by the female viewers. By violating his looks, I would upset the female audience. Not good for the money making business! Money faux pas, like totally! 

KIBA: (stunned) Woah.

HIGE: I need food. (HIGE sets out on a JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY)

TOBOE: Crack team, coach.

KIBA: No dip.

(in the OUTFIELD)

(our HEROS (cough hrm) come to a giant, old MOBILE SUIT)

TSUME: You're not seriously going to eat that mobile suit?

KIBA: I need my daily percent value of iron. (bites through METAL)

TOBOE: Not as tough as those hamburgers Granny used to give me.

TSUME: I'm not risking braces. (walks AWAY)

TOBOE: Tsume, get your hot ass back here.

KIBA: Toboe's in looooooove.

TOBOE: I need you Tsume, don't go!

TSUME: You're too emotional. Leave me.

TOBOE: Fine, don't save my ass later on. Loser. (TOBOE still follows TSUME)

(in the WASTED OUTFIELDS)

OUTFIELDS: We are totally wasted.

TOBOE: Ts-ts-ts-tsume! (TOBOE steps on a CLICKY BUTTON THING) What the fuck?

AUDIENCE: Oh shit… Hey that's a land mine kid you're gonna blow up!!!

(ALAS, TOBOE does not BLOW UP)

TOBOE: Jammin'… but something tells me that clicky button thingy is going to endanger my life! Save me, Tsume!

TSUME: Dammit! I was playing kick the can, and actually having fun! Fine, I'll just pretend to save you. (he DOES)

(in a FANCY SHMANCY RESTURANTE) 

CHER: I'm taking a vacation.

HUBB: Where to?

CHER: Paradise, no shit. (eye roll snort sigh)

(silence silence)

HUBB: I think I saw a few dogs the other day.

CHER: That's enough Hubb! Don't talk to me about those… animals…

HUBB: What the hell? You're not even allergic!

CHER: I'm allergic to you, though. (she LEAVES)

HUBB: Nooo Cher! You forgot to tuck me in and kiss me goodnight! Waah!!

CHER: Suck it up, freshman.

(on what seems to be a HIGHWAY)

TSUME: Nyyyaaaar! Vroom vroom! Zoom zoom! Whoosh! Cackle cackle rarr!! (he PROCEEDS to make ODD CAR NOISES)

TOBOE: Shut up! You're wasting your breath! We have an evil ROBO-MAN on our tail!

ROBO-MAN: I'm coming for yoooooou! Nyarharharhar!!!!

(our favorite WOLVIES come to a BIG ASS DROP OFF)

TOBOE: We're going to have to jump!

TSUME: NEVER!

ROBO-MAN: Nyarharharhar!!! BOOT!!! (ROBO-MAN PUNTS our favorite WOLFIES)

TSUME: Wheee! (he LANDS, and starts to BLEED) Ow! My legs! My legs!

TOBOE: Shut up, fool!

ROBO-MAN: You can run and hide, my pretties, but you can't stay away forever! Jajajajajaja!!! (he RETREATS)

(the AUDIENCE is shown pictures of DEAD PEOPLE)

AUDIENCE: Unnecessary.

(SOMEWHERE)

HIGE: I've been thinking Kiba-

KIBA: THAT'S a first! (giggle giggle snort snort)

HIGE: Dammit, stop interrupting me! I was thinking… we should go for some Taco Bell man.

KIBA: Totally. Hey, did you know I ATE the Taco Bell dog?

HIGE: That's to cool for school, yo.

KIBA: I know… (KIBA has VISIONS of the TACO BELL DOG served with SEASONING and OTHER ODD IMAGES)

HIGE: What the fuck was that?

(RUINS)

TOBOE: Run Tsume, run! Dammit, why the fuck are you so slow?

TSUME: Shut up moron! I'm going as fast as I can!

ROBO-MAN: MISSLE!

ICE BRIDGE: COLLAPSE!

TSUME & TOBOE: FALL!

AUDIENCE: Action, baby yeah!

(SOMEWHERE AGAIN)

KIBA: (gasp)

HIGE: I know! I smell it too! TACO BELL!

(KIBA once again, sees STRANGE TACO BELL related IMAGES)

KIBA: This place was an old war zone.

HIGE: Irrelevant man. Totally irrelevant.

(in an ICY CAVE)

TSUME: (waking up) Where am I… Who… am I…? (when he sees TOBOE LICKING HIM, his memory is JOGGED) What the fuck yo! Not cool.

TOBOE: Curses! I was having fun too! (INSPECTS TSUME) You have a sexy body.

TSUME: I know, but it's too goddamned sexy for you to look at! (he ROLLS OVER, giving TOBOE a nice view of his ASS)

TOBOE: Dude, I am like way too spoiled.

FANGIRLS: We love you TOBOE! Eeek! (faint faint faint faint)

TSUME: I hate you, Toboe! You stole everyone's attention!

TOBOE: I love you.

ROBO-MAN: Heeeeeere's Jhonny!

TOBOE: Time for an anime-esque scene!

(OK, picture this. And OLD MOVIE setting, in which the LADY is WITH A CHILD (pregnant is what I mean), and the MAN is dressed REGALY. ARMY MEN have come, and the man bravely PRETENDS to risk his LIFE for his WOMAN. In this case, TSUME is the LADY, and TOBOE is the MAN)

TOBOE/MAN: I'll distract them, so you can get away!

TSUME/LADY: Don't do it, Samuel!

TOBOE/MAN: Do not worry, Elizabeth. I would risk my life for you… and my child.

TSUME/LADY: I love you, Samuel!

TOBOE/MAN: And I you. (runs OFF to make DISTRACTION)

(in SLOW-MO)

TOBOE/MAN: Huff… run… huff… SHOT! (he is SHOT DOWN by ARMY MEN)

TSUME/LADY: Nooo!!!

(FREEZE-SCREEN)

(BACK TO… WOLF'S RAIN)

ROBO-MAN: Nyarharharhar!! I shoot at thee! I shoot at thee!

TOBOE: Haha! Sucka! You can't get me! Nyahahahaha!!

TSUME: (making a 'RUN' for it) NOTICED!

ROBO-MAN: I will kill thee!

KIBA: Never! It was YOU! It was YOU who destroyed the TACO BELL! I will KILL YOU!

ROBO-MAN: Never! Die fool! (he FIRES AWAY at KIBA)

KIBA: (begins to SCALE WALLS) You can't get me! Nanananana!

AUDIENCE: Shit yo, how the hell is he doing that?

KIBA: Full moons of course! They provide me with the daily nutrients and vitamins I need! I love the full moon, it gives me good strong bones!

FINE-PRINT READER MAN: Full moon can cause side effects such as craziness, corny-ness or even severe cases of OOCness. After certain amounts of doses, lunar flowers will die. Please consult your physician or pediatrician if side effects do not wear off, or if flowers proceed to die too soon. The solar system will not be held responsible for any deaths or losses of paradise.

(after this scene ends, HALF OF THE AUDIENCE will bask in the FULL MOON and TRY TO SCALE WALLS. NONE OF THEM will SUCCED)

(ELSEWHERE NEARBY)

HIGE: Tsume, I SUMMON THEE!

TSUME: Shut up loser, I'm coming.

(ACTION PLACE)

KIBA: Observe my awesome techniques! (KIBA shows off HIS MAD SKILLZ)

ROBO-MAN: It appears I am out of ammo…

(silence rumble grumble silence)

ROBO-MAN: Hmm, I wonder what that noise could be…?

(ROBO-MAN turns his head, only to see a WALL OF WATER COMING straight for HIM. Oh the HUMANITY!)

ROBO-MAN: Oh shit.

(ROBO-MAN is SWEPT AWAY by the POWERFUL CURRENTS. The WOLVIES are VICTORIOUS… for now…)

(In CHER'S HOUSE)

HUBB: This place needs some serious redecorating. (INSPECTS CHER'S DESK) Oh! Look at this conveniently placed plot token of a pagan book! Score for me!

(In the SNOWLY LANDS)

ROBO-MAN: RESURFACE!! (gasp gasp breathe dysfunction twitch gasp) H… hark… (ROBO-MAN DIES)

KIBA: (does a VICTORY DANCE) Go Kiba, it's your birthday, not really, but what the fuck…

AUDIENCE: The fuck? That's not how the song goes…!

(On the PATH TO PARADISE)

TSUME: How come you always have the answers for everything, Kiba?

KIBA: I read.

HIGE: Nerd!

TOBOE: I love you, Tsume.

ENDING

(HIGE is filling is for KIBA, because LAST TIME he was ARRESTED for INDECENT EXPOSURE)

HIGE: Huff… run… huff… (he eventually COLLAPSES because he ATE too much RAMEN before the ENDING. He barfs and barfs and barfs, until he is SO SKINNY, that he just ISN'T HIGE ANYMORE.)

DIRECTOR: Damn! Tsume, you're filling in next time!

TSUME: (STILL filing nails) Yea yea sure sure, put a sock in it old man.

LOL, that one… wasn't as good. But I loved the ending! Teehee! I really don't know what to do for Tsume when he fills in though… Help me reviewers! I need the inspiration. Fuel my fires baby! Bring me the matches! A jump-start! Anything… SO REVIEW. Jeez, I wonder how many times the word 'review' appears on Probably a lot, yea. Earn a cookie if you count (yea sure, no one's going to do this but w/e, some people have too much time on their hands).

Ryogas-Baby-Gurl – Waaii! A cookie! YAY! Yes, yes, I too loved the flashback part as well. Thanks for the review! (hug)

Black-rose23 – Ah good question. Blue meets Toboe later on, but that was just sorta like a warning incase people don't really like the idea of that pairing. Thanks for the review!

Nanaki – I'm so glad you like it! YAY! (gives a balloon)  
- … Okay…. How do you even know if I'm white or not? I honestly do not think that's a good thing to say. But whatev. I was just writing the way I talk… and I find it amusing since it's totally different from the way they talk in Wolf's Rain… teehee!  
–Well, yay. I'm happy that you find it so enjoyable, since I can't laugh at what I write… hee… But please do tell your friends about it! That would make me super happy!

Cat – My thoughts exactly. Thanks for the review.  
– I am super happy you reacted that way… because that was the intended response… along with laughter.  
– Why Tsume is metro is still unknown to me. And yes, being random is good. Thanks for the reviews! 

Anonymous – Dammit! 'Annyomous'… spelled wrong on word! Argh… that is annoying the hells out de moi. Anyway… Thanks so much for the review! I totally love you people…

Whiskers – I say these aren't funny because I suppose I don't find them funny. It's rare that I actually laugh at my own work. But I'm glad it makes people laugh! Thanks for the review!

Man… you people rock!

Next Update: CHRISTMAS! XD XD XD


	5. Godsent Puppies

Omigosh! Happy holidays people! I feel so honored with these reviews… Omigod, I'm so happy with Christmas this year! I got the first two seasons of Naruto! Yay! Happy… Well anyway, unlike most of the previous chapters, I am totally in love with this one! Even though it's short, I found it very fun to do. Think Shakespeare five minutes backwards! …Except we're not going backwards. Ehrm… anyway… I have nothing else to say, so read and review!

EPISODE 5: God-Sent Puppies

(on a TRAIN)

LITTLE GIRL: Brother! I see doggies! (her EYES go all DEMON LIKE) KILL!!!!

(in the SNOWY PLAINS)

TOBOE: I have a dream!

KIBA: And what is that?

TOBOE: To have a dream! (1)

TSUME: I saw a lunar flower the other day. It was neon green.

KIBA: You dumb?

HIGE: It's the ocean!

TSUME: Nuh-uh! It's the beach, fool!

KIBA: That… is a big ass bridge.

TOBOE: Don't worry, it's just an optical illusion! The city on the other end is approximately 2.7568 minutes away!

OPENING

CONTE: Like, I'm soooo totally stray! And I'm like, standing on the edge! But oh my fucking god, the moon isn't there!

(in the CITY)

KIBA: Dammit! Why the fuck do all these cities smell like evil poo!? It's starting to piss me off!

TSUME: Yea I know, and lots of people are hiding from us!

HIDING WOMAN A: Eat beans, intruders! (she CHUCKS BEANS at our WOLVIES)

HIDING WOMAN B: Die, you infidels! (she THROWS her BABY at them)

HIDING MAN: Get out of here, meddlers! (he FLINGS a CHERRY BOMB at the boys)

KIBA: Argh! My pride! My pride!

(LATER SOMEWHERE ELSE)

TSUME: This place is bullshit!

HIGE: Just like you Tsume!

ZALI: You kids look suspicious.

KIBA: The point, no dip.

MOSS: Where are YOU going?

TOBOE: (stupidly) Paradise!

(silence silence)

ZALI: That's not funny.

KIBA: I'm sad.

ZALI: I've been to paradise before.

HIGE: You're senile.

KIBA: Shut up, Hige! Look closer at them!

TSUME: (gasp) They're wol-

HIGE: (gasp) A woman!

TOBOE: (gasp) You don't see one of THOSE everyday!

TSUME: (gasp) They're wolves!

KIBA: No they're not, they're dogs!

AUDIENCE: Wait… I'm confused! So are they wolves or are they do-

ZALI: Leave this place, ladies!

KIBA: (offended offended)

TSUME: Fine! Underdog. (walks off in a HUFF)

(in CENTER CITY)

MAN: We need more workers!

ZALI: Yeah, yeah sure. Just shut up and bring me my lemonade!

MOSS: The kids are at the graveyard.

ZALI: Hah! They won't last long… (maniacal laughter)

(SOMEWHERE…. AGAIN)

HIGE: I'm so hungry.

TSUME: Puhleez! You can't be as hungry as I was a few years ago! I had to eat my nail polish JUST to stay alive!

KIBA: This place is so messed. We should leave.

TSUME: Whatever man.

TOBOE: I'm so hungry, I can't walk another step! (he STANDS and FOLLOWS TSUME)

HIGE: Omigosh they left me! (he FROLICKS after his POSSE)

(10 SECONDS after they leave, the EXACT SPOT on which they were sitting EXPLODES)

AUDIENCE: Mad skillz! Huah!

(at the GRAVEYARD)

TSUME: I'm so scared!

TOBOE: Suck it up, woman!

GRAMPS: BOO!

KIBA/TSUME: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HIGE: Wait, what just happened?!

GRAMPS: Guess what? I'm digging my own grave!

KIBA: Wow! Mind if I join? (KIBA jumps in and starts DIGGING like a MADMAN)

ZALI: This place is no place for ladies.

TSUME: Well exCUSE me!

GRAMPS: That's the entrance to paradise over here, and lunar flowers used to bloom here!

KIBA: Oh, happiness.

ZALI: Come Gramps. You are going to die tomorrow.

GRAMPS: Ahhh… fate.

ZALI: Just to let you know kids, that's not paradise.

KIBA: Well maybe it's just like a cameo paradise. Maybe it's not the real paradise. The real one is somewhere else.

ZALI: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

(silence silence)

ZALI: No… I'm serious. Paradise isn't real.

KIBA: O ma gawd! My virgin ears they burn! Memories! This reminds of the time I found out Santa wasn't real! And the tooth fairy! And the Easter bunny! And Bill Clinton!

HIGE: Wait… Bill Clinton is re-

KIBA: Shut up Hige!

TSUME: I'm still hungry.

TOBOE: I'm still dying.

KIBA: Oh, the agony of thy mind!

(in an OLD HUT)

TSUME: I'm such an angry man.

TOBOE: I want to go to paradise.

TSUME: You dumb?

HIGE: There's no such THING as paradise, runt. Right Kiba?

KIBA: Well I dunno! Voices say yes. Big scary man with ugly eyebrows and jacket say no.

TSUME: Those were some deep and touching words.

TOBOE: Voices? Don't tell me I got stuck with a schizo alpha. Dude, my life SUCKS!

HIGE: A woman is coming.

(COLE magically APPEARS)

COLE: Here's your food. It's poisoned.

HIGE: Cool, thanks.

(KIBA, TOBOE and TSUME leave)

HIGE: Fine, leave me here to die slowly of poison and boredom and freaked-out-ed-ness. Losers. (he PRETENDS to SLEEP)

(SOMEWHERE AGAIN DAMMIT!)

TOBOE: I still love you, Tsume.

(BACK in the OLD HUT)

HIGE: (yawn) I cant sleep.

COLE: Sucks to be you! Maybe that poison's getting to you.

HIGE: I think you're sexy. Wanna mate?

COLE: If you're thinking about kids, I'm menopausal.

HIGE: That sucks.

COLE: I know….

(in the STATION)

TSUME: Wanna sleep here?

TOBOE: Are you suggesting something?

TSUME: What? Can't you feel it? All the hormones in the air!? It's making me all horny inside!

(DOWNTOWN)

KIBA: I found you, you mongrels you!

ZALI'S GANG: Let's fight.

KIBA: I'm down. (They DO) Lookit me growl! Arrrr! Mateys! Scrub the decks, let lose the sails! Arrr!! Shiver me timber!

(in the OLD HUT)

HIGE: I'm pretending to sleep. Again.

(at the STATION)

TSUME: Dammit, Toboe! I can't fucking sleep with you howlin all the time! Shit man, go somewhere else! Do something more useful with your mouth! Like _censored censored censored _or _censored censored censored censored_!!!!

TOBOE: (he HOWLS LOUDER)

TSUME: That's it… I'm gonna… - - - - - - - - -

(due to EXTREME GORE, VIOLENCE and MATURE SEXUAL CONTENT, this scene has been OMITTED)

(in the ALLEYS)

KIBA: Argh! I'm wounded! (he collapses)

AUDIENCE: What dorky shoes Kiba has!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I think they're sexy!

AUDIENCE: Fuck you, traitor! (AUDIENCE proceeds to take out their GUNS and MERCILESSLY SHOOT AUDIENCE MEMBER)

(at the STATION in the MORNING)

TSUME: Something big is going down, I can feel it.

TOBOE: (walks up with VARIOUS WOUNDS. He is supported by CRUTCHES) I'm feelin' it!

SANTA: Damn, make these fools pull my sleigh faster!

WOLVES/DOGS: The agony!

TSUME: (gasp)

TOBOE: (gasp)

HIGE: (picking his NOSE) (gasp) A big bugger!

GRAMPS: I am dying!

SANTA: No shit sherlock!

GRAMPS: DIES! (he DOES)

KIBA: (magically APPEARS) (gasp) Santa IS real! SANTAAAA! (he RUNS up to SANTA) I have a huge list for yooou!!!

ZALI: Stop you fool! That is only an impersonator!

KIBA: Dammit, you homo sapien! Always ruining my imagination!

(at the GRAVEYARD)

ZALI: Damn… another one bites the dust!

ZALI'S MAFIA GANG: (singing) Another one bites the dust!

(a huge DISOC BALL descends from the SKY)

ALL: (ALL starts to DANCE like MAD, and they dance and dance and dance….)

ENDING

(TSUME is filling in for HIGE, because he just ISN'T HIGE ANYMORE, and KIBA because he was ARRESTED)

TSUME: Ya know, I never wanted this job, but I suppose I have to do it… I don't want to get shafted or anything. I still have many episodes to go to prove how totally awesome I am!

TOBOE: Tsumeee! I loooove yoooou!!

DIRECTOR: What the- Kid get off the fuckin set!

TOBOE: Aiiee! (he TRIPS and FALLS)

TSUME: Aiiee! (he TRIPS on TOBOE, and FALLS ONTO HIM. For a split second, THEY SHARED A KISS!)

YAOI FANGIRLS: (dies dies dies dies dies dies dies dies dies)

(silence)

TSUME: Omigosh! I'm PREGNANT!!

Nyaokay… that's the end. And that was a really long ending but I loved it! Well anyway, before we do shoutouts, let's remember there was a number in this chapter!

(1): Okay, this quote came from my favorite movie, Scary Movie 3! I totally love that movie and since it's funny… well that's circular logic. And no, I don't own Scary Movie 3. Honestly, disclaimers are getting old. I mean, I'm a trendsetter and I should know. Dammit, people who write freakin stories about something obviously don't own it! That's circular logic (again)!

Okay, SHOUTOUTS!

Whiskers – Thanks so much for the review! (hug) Happy Chrismahanakwanzakah!

Serashime – I'm so flattered. The love…. Wow. I'm so happy you liked it. Thank you so much! Happy Chrismahanakwanzakah!

Nanaki – No reason to be sorry. And… I have like, no self-esteem but whatever. And no one is helping me. Do you think it needs to be beta-ed? Well, thanks for the review! Happy Chrismahanakwanzakah!

Shekira - Interesting… yes. Thanks for the review!  
- Omigod I feel so loved! I'm sooooo happy you like it! Happy Chrismahanakwanzakah!

Demonslayer – (bows) Thanks so much! I hope you like this chappy! Happy Chrismahanakwanzakah!

Buddi-chan – So glad you liked it! Thanks for the count! Lol, if you have no life that makes two of us. Happy Chrismahanakwanzakah!

airashal moon – I'm actually very happy you don't get it because… that would be sad… because I also don't get it! Thanks for the review! Happy Chrismahanakwanzakah

Moon Dog – Thanks so much for the idea! As you can see, I used it. I hope it came out right though… anyway, full credit for the ending sequence goes to you! Thank you very much! Happy Chrismahanakwanzakah

Okay, lovely reviewers. I actually have no idea what to do with Toboe. He's going to be filling in on chapter 7. So if you have any crazy ideas, please review and tell.

Next Update: January 11


	6. The ACO

OMG, I was having the most humorous day when I wrote this. You see, I have days when I write good humor, and days where my humor could be low-leveled angst. And this was not one of those humor/angst – same things kinda days. I was writing humor like a madman! Only I'm a woman. And I'm only in eighth grade! Can you believe it!? I didn't think so… Anyway, I feel like being a bitch an showing off what a humorous day I was having, so here's a clip from another story written in the same day:

'The old lady sat tranquilly by the fire side, contemplating her destiny. Ah destiny… little did she know what it had in store for her! Bwahahaha! Mwahahahaha! Nyahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAOMGPORNHAHAHA!! Just kidding! Jkjkjkjk! LOL! OMG WTF LOL! BRB! TTYL CYA TTFN LYL! JK W/E! LMAOLMAOOMGPORNLMAO! ALTplusSHIFTbrrringYou'veGotMail25670MGP0RNAGA1Nspace334TABcapsLOCKCtrlaltDELETEcOmPyOvErLoAd!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Ok, if that scared you, I understand. It wasn't so much as funny as it was… pure insanity. But don't we all love that? And, if you liked that… paragraph thing (HA! I should put that in my english paper and see what happens.), go read it. It's a Yu-Gi-Oh fic… yea. And it's wack. ANWAY ONTO TEH FIC!! (Oh, if you don't know what ACO stands for you'll find out soon… MWAHAHAHA(cough hack wheeze die))

EPISODE 6: The ACO

OPENING

CONTE: Ya know, this whole opening thing is getting old. I feel like going off on a tangent! Like okay! Well, the other day… I was walking innocently along to super fresh! I need my ramen, ya know. Anyway, I saw this old lady trying to cross the street, so I decided to go and help her. Well, before I could even ask her if she needed help, she turned around and did The Matrix on me! Can you believe that!?

(At the FREAKY CITY)

MOSS: Zali, you look like an evil dictator watching over all this commotion.

ZALI: How do you look like something when you already are that something?

MOSS: Well I dunno.

ZALI: You're stupid Moss. Always stating the obvious. I hate you.

(At the RAMSHACK)

TOBOE: Awaken, Great Beast! I call upon thy souls from the depths of Hell's fires! Great Beast, I summon thee!! (he GLOWS NEON PURPLE)

TSUME: Toboe, what the fuck are you doing to Kiba?

TOBOE: My awesome healing ritual, can't you see?

HIGE: I'm stuffed.

TSUME: Go find us some good food. Please don't get that Chinese take out again. I had gas for weeks!

HIGE: Fine, fine... Women! Sooo picky. (he LEAVES)

TOBOE: (puts on GENERIC HIGH-PITCHED HELPLESS ANIME GIRL VOICE) Medicinal herbs, medicinal herbs! I must gather some more medicinal herbs! (he FROLICKS off to GATHER SAIDx3 ITEMS)

(OMG GUESS AGAIN… SOMEWHERE)

ZALI: (monotone) I am a wolf.

COLE: (in GHETTO PIMP ACCENT) Dude, you's is even worse than a hunk of meat! Here I be hopin' those kids be bringin' back some life to you's, but nooo… Dammit Zali! Why the fuck is you's so empty! (begins to CRY) (she DROPS GHETTO PIMP ACCENT for the generic ENGLISH ACCENT) I wish you could see that maybe we could find paradise…

ZALI: That's enough Cole. I brought many of my friends down through that tunnel. At the end, we thought we had found it! But it was only a Burger King… so many… so many of them died from food poisoning.

COLE: (gasp) But Zali! This city is so poor, all the Burger Kings went out of business! There might be a Taco Bell down there now!

ZALI: No…IT'S OVER!

(Back in the PIMP SHACK) (RHYME!)

AUDIENCE: Kiba still has those dorky shoes…

KIBA FANGIRL: They are not dorky! They're cool! (she DIES SOMEHOW)

KIBA: I'm awake now. I'm ready to set off for another pimpin' adventure.

TSUME: Ugh, you are such a careless idiot.

KIBA: (tears) My crops…

TSUME: The fuck?

KIBA: Back in the day when my clan was still alive… I was a renowned farmer. I had so many crops… I was a wealthy man thanks to them. Oh and there were no lunar flowers, mind you. But then, one day… the Crop Nazi's, or the ACO (Anti-Crop Organization) came and set fire to my land! I lost everything… my family and friends… and most importantly… my crops.

TSUME: That must've been pretty intense.

KIBA: It was…

(CHER'S HOUSE)

HUBB: This… this book is trash! Whoever wrote this thing must've been high! People these days…

(At the CITY OUSKIRTS)

HIGE: I look like such a fool when I look for food. (sniffs around) Woah, hey cool! Look at this obvious trap for just me! I love traps! (HIGE gets TRAPPED) Mad skillz wit dem gettin trapped pillz!

ZALI'S MAFIA GANG: Hey cool. It's Hige.

MOSS: Fresh meat…

HIGE: You don't have to help me. I like it where I am. Now I have an excuse not to go back to those senile old fools of a pack! (he SLEEPS)

TRUCK THING: We're taking you away.

TRUCK MAN A: That's a really fat dog.

TRUCK MAN B: It makes me want to kill it.

TOBOE: (is GETTING HIGH) (still has GENERIC HIGH-PITCHED HELPLESS ANIME GIRL VOICE) Oh no! What should I do? Oh what on Earth shall I do?!

(back in the LOVE SHACK) (another RHYME)

KIBA: I can move!

TSUME: There's a first time for everything!

TOBOE: Guess what you guys! Hige's going to die!

KIBA: Do you think we should save him?

TSUME: Yeah, I'm bored anyway. (he PICKS UP KIBA and begins to RUN)

YAOI FANGIRLS: (dies dies dies dies dies dies dies)

KIBA: I feel like royalty.

(LATER SOMEWHERE ELSE)

KIBA: I can run Tsume! Put me down!

TSUME: Fine. (he CHUCKS KIBA with UNHUMAN STRENGTH) (but then again... he IS a WOLF!)

TOBOE: Wooosh!

MOSS: The fuck?

KIBA: Say guys, have you seen Hige?

MOSS: Who?

TOBOE: Shut up fool! I'm going to kill you! (he ATTACKS MOSS like a CRAZED YAOI FANGIRL with RABIES)

ZALI: Stop attacking my Mafia gang! What the fuck is the problem?

TSUME: You!

KIBA: Let's kill him!

MOSS: Yeah!

ALL MINUS ZALI/COLE: DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!!

COLE: Dudes, this is getting old. I'm supposed to watch and freak out, but I have a manicure appointment at five. It's getting pretty late.

ZALI: Pain!

KIBA: Despite the fact you're dying and we just attacked you, we need your help.

ZALI: Paradise doesn't exist.

TSUME: No, but Taco Bell does!

KIBA: (sparkle shine glimmer) Tsume…

TSUME: So help us old man! Dammit I'm getting sick of this sappy scene. It gives me the heebee jeebees!

TOBOE: The wut?

TSUME: Just shut up! Help up us old man.

ZALI: Okay! I'll be more than happy to attack some machinery and humans!

(on a VACANT HIGHWAY)

TRUCK MAN A: We shall cast that dog into the fires! Nyahaha!

TRUCK MAN B: Although we don't look like bad guys, we're the main evil in this story! This here dog's meat will be used in Burger King's hamburgers!

HIGE: No! Someone save me- Wait a second…! Where the fuck am I?

KIBA: Hark! (he magically FLIPS the TRUCK THING)

TRUCK THING: Agony!

HIGE: I'm free! (singing) Freedom! Freedom! Freeeedooom!

ZALI: (bites TRCUK PEOPLE) Haha! Y'all are suckers! (he RUNS OFF with the OTHER WOLVIES)

(in that OLD CITY)

QUENT: Ah apple juice… you warm thy souls.

(ELSEWHERE) (HA! A different word!)

HUBB: Lookit me and my mystery walk. Ahahaha! Aha… (cough cough) (he KNOCKS on a DOOR)

OLD LADY: Oh dammit! James! Quick! Hide! The paparazzi's here! I'm callin' the cops!

(in that OLD CITY)

BLUE: Aw jeez, another human. There seems to be a lot of those these days.

(inside the BAR)

HUBB: I found you, you mongrel you!

QUENT: No dip.

HUBB: Tell me, did they have heroine in the time this book was written… cause if they did…

QUENT: Ya never know. They say that high kids have a larger information gathering capacity because their brain's all washed out and stuff.

HUBB: Really?

QUENT: No.

(OUSTSIDE)

QUENT: The moon's going to explode soon.

HUBB: Like a balloon?

QUENT: More like a pimple, I'd say.

HUBB: That's cool!

(in the TUNNEL OF DOOM)

ZALI: I can't go any further. The smell of those terrible french fries is still-

RANDOM FRENCH MAN: Uh uh uh! En francais!

ZALI: -dans me nez! (in my nose)

KIBA: Whatev man. Well, we be goin'.

ZALI: 'Kay bye.

TOBOE: Hit it, Hige!

HIGE: (singing) On the road again! (he RUNS OFF, SINGING with HIS POSSE)

ZALI: Wow those kids put some life back into me. Too bad they didn't know there's a Taco Bell in this city. Oh well.

ENDING

DIRECTOR: Calm down Tsume! You are not pregnant!

TSUME: Shut up fool! I am too! Omigosh Toboe this is all your fault! Now I'm going to get fat and the guys won't like me anymore! I hate you!

TOBOE: I'll always love you Tsume.

HIGE: As I love bacon.

PREVIEW

QUENT: Drinking is good for you kids! Don't believe what your parents say! Trust me! You can see the future when you're drunk! It's all good!

I can see exactly where this parody is going. Although I didn't want it to have a theme, looks like it's going to have one. If you didn't notice yet it's… about the war between FAST FOOD RESTURANTS!! Yay! So yea, and it seems Taco Bell is paradise in this case, and there are good restaurants and bad ones. Burger King is the main evil (the most unsanitary fast food restaurant in America. Believe it, I saw it on the news.).

Also, the ACO is going to play a pretty big role too, so don't forget what it means. Anti-Crop Organization, don't forget it. And don't ask what the role is, you'll find out! Ha! Anyway, I wanted to say that I saw The House of Flying Daggers last night, and it was damn good. The only bad part there was too much sex, which included Chinese people who don't know a thing about sex in movies. Oh it was bad! But anyway, it was good and full of Jammin' action. Go see it. Anyway…. Shout outs!

Ryogas-Baby-Gurl – Yay! Cookie! (eats cookie happily) You got Yu Yu Hakusho?! Omigod, Hiei is so totally hot. Yea. Thanks for the 10/10!!

sublimetofu – Oh my god I love you! (hug) That's so sweet of you! Thanks so much for the review!

Whiskers – No don't die! (revives) And out of the options… I would be scared. So yea. Thanks for the review!!

Moondog186 – Thanks for the idea! I'm going to incorporate it with Vash the Stampede63's idea too! Yay! Thanks for the review!

VASH THE STAMPEDE63 – O0 That was really long… but I like it! The insults were awesome! Well, thanks for the idea! I'm gonna use it… only shorter… yea. Thanks for the review! (hug)

green wolf – Thanks so much! I hope it continues too… it's gonna take a long time for it to finish… oh well! Thanks for the review!

kyolover44 – Yay! I'm so happy! (hug) Thanks so much for the review! I love you! XD

Nanaki – Yay those were some encouraging words! Thanks so much! And, don't be feeling left out! Saiyuki is awesome! I saw the first five eppys. It's so yummy! Cheza comes in the next chapter. Boy is that going to be fun… thanks for the review!!

Omigod, you people make me feel so special! The way you shared stuff with me… (cries joyfully) I love you people! And for that, I'll post chapters sooner! Also, if you feel like talkin wit me old self, give me an IM sometime. It's luneangel22 so yea. And if you do, make sure to clarify who you are because… I'll be a bitch if I don't know… hehe…. So yea.

Thanks again, people. Don't forget to review this time! I aim for over 100 reviews by chapter 15! Please help make this goal come true! It's like donating to charity, it doesn't consume a lot of time! But this time, it's free donating! Oxymoron! Okay, whatever, I'm insane, review.


	7. Blind, Deaf, and All Natural

Man, I was super depressed when I wrote this, so I'm sorry if this one doesn't seem as funny as the previous ones. Anyway, this one is more of sexual humor than most, so watch out! Ew, it's not like me to give warnings. Whatever. ALSO! I'm going to have a little voting session! I really don't think this fic is PG-13 no more! Personally, I would rate it R to be safe. However, some people out there have parental controls and firewalls at school and shit, so… yea you get me. Should the rating be upped or not? Review and share your thoughts. Happy reading!

EPISODE 7: Blind, Deaf and All Natural

(DARCIA'S COLORFUL PIMP GARDEN)

HAMONA: (huff run huff run)…!

DACIA: Why are you running away my love? Wait for me!

HAMONA: No! Get away from me you pervert! Somebody help! He's molesting me! Eek! Ass rape! AAAAAASS RAAAAPE!!!! (she FALLS)

AUDIENCE: What's this? Darcia has 12 packs!!??

DARCIA: Did you die, my love?

HAMONA: If I did, would you leave me alone?

DARCIA: No.

HAMONA: Shit. (in a LAST ATTEMPT, she summons up a STORM)

NEZE: Loooord fuckface!

DARCIA: What is it, you bitch!?

NEZE: Something bad happened to Hamona!

DARCIA: Like… unconscious with dilated pupils and sudden nudity with dull hair bad?

NEZE: So it would seem…soitwouldseemsoitwouldseemsoitwou-

DARCIA: Shut the fuck up!

(in DARCIA'S PIMP SHIP)

DARCIA: I'll have you know Cheza, I'm a renowned pimp and I'll stop at nothing if it means ammo for my new AK-47…

CHEZA: I'm deaf, I can't hear you.

DARCIA: -!#-&-!#-($-&!-(!#$!(--)!&&-)()(#!!!!!!!!

CHEZA: But I DO smell DOGGIES!!!

OPENING

CONTE: (smoking POT) Aw shit. Am I supposed to sing now? Fuck. It's not like anybody WATCHES the opening this far in the series.

(In the DEEP and DARK WOODS of DOOM)

TSUME: I'm scared!

TOBOE: Why are there no hot chicks around, Hige?

HIGE: Augh, probably cause I masturbated a while back, they could probably smell it…

TOBOE: Good answer.

TSUME: Are we there yet?

KIBA: The voices say yes, this sign says no. (he POINTS to a SIGN)

SIGN: All that seek flowers will be die from extreme OOCness. You have been warned.

TSUME: Well damn, I feel like I'm gonna be pissin' ma pants soon.

DARCIA'S PIMP SHIP: Snoooooooooooooooooooooooop!!!!!!!!!!! (1)

(In SAID SHIP)

DARCIA: I'm taking you back to your homeland.

CHEZA: I feel… dead…

DARCIA'S PIMP SHIP: Darcia! You're about to be screwed because there is Mutha Fucka Ship behinds j00!

DARCIA: Fuck.

(On the MUTHA FUCKA SHIP)

CHER: I feel smart. KILL!!

GENERAL MAN: Fire a warning shot!

MUTHA FUCKA SHIP: Land Ho! (FIRES AWAY)

DARCIA'S PIMP SHIP: (dodge dodge dodge) The fuck? Warning shots shouldn't have to be dodged!!

(on LAND)

KIBA: I can feel Cheza!

TOBOE: (staring at KIBA'S PANTS) I can see…

(on DARCIA'S PIMP SHIP)

CHEZA: Kiba's coming to save me. Darcia, you screwed up… AGAIN.

(on the MUTHA FUCKA SHIP)

CHER: These readings are so huge! Like, OMIGOD!

(on DARCIA'S PIMP SHIP)

DARCIA: I'm perfectly calm. 'Cos as far as I'm concerned, my dodging skillz are unrivaled. Hell, I won the world Dodgeball tournament!

CHEZA: I feel… suicidal… (she STANDS)

DARCIA: Uh oh. When a flower starts a-walkin' and a-talkin' you know something big is about to go down.

CHEZA: (she SMILES) I feel high. Thanks for that fertilizer Darica. It's been fun. (she JUMPS off DARCIA'S PIMPIN SHIP)

DARCIA: Shit! Another waffle gone! That's the third time this week!

(on LAND)

KIBA: That shiny thing MUST be her! Shiny… yay…

(in the AIR)

CHEZA: I'm spinning. I feel dizzy. Oh shit. (she BARFS)

(on LAND)

RANDOM LAND HOBO: (opens UMBRELLA)(CHEZA BARF flies EVERYWHERE) Nice.

(SOMEHWERE CLOSE BY)

KIBA: We must scale this wall! It's the only way!

TOBOE: Hey Kiba, I'm having an erection. Is that what you meant by feeling the flower?

TSUME: I don't get erections.

(SOMEWHERE ELSEWHERE)

ARMY MAN: This building is old. It must belong to Darcia.

CHER: I'm so smart. Did you know that China's the only place in the world that can grow rice?

ARMY MAN: Actually-

CHER: Shut up! I was saying… Cheza isn't a flower; she's rice. Dammit, Darcia loves Chinese food he's gonna have a rice habitat, not some gay flower habitat!

(at the RICE/FLOWER HABITAT)

HIGE: I'm horny.

KIBA: Me too.

TOBOE: Me three!

TSUME: I don't get horny. (sees CHEZA)

KIBA: LAND HO!!

CHEZA: Yo dudes. (she HUGS KIBA) I only like you. These other dogs are a pain in the ass. They can go to hell.

KIBA: Yes…

HIGE: How come every time Kiba talks it sounds like he just had an orgasm?

TOBOE: Yeah, and what's up with Cheza being suddenly able to see and hear?

CHEZA: This one is a fake. You just don't know it yet. Also, my hair is totally natural, thanks to CVS.

TSUME: Damn.

(SOMEWHERE)

CHEZA: I really wish these other dogs wouldn't follow us, but I have no choice. THIS WAY!

TSUME: That girl is totally messed.

HIGE: Since when do flowers have genders?

TOBOE: Ya gotta believe in j00self!!

(SOMEWHERE AGAIN)

CHER: Kill everything that moves! ESPECIALLY Cheza! Say what? No, I don't care if it's a tree being blown around in the wind! Just KILL IT!!!

CHER'S COMPY: EXPLODE!!

CHER: Shit.

(in a MURKY TUNNEL)

CHEZA: (frolicking) I'm home! I'm home! This one is finally home! (she STOPS FROLICKING) Oh. They're all dead. I'm so sad.

TOBOE: We're under ATTAAAACK! (he DIVES, avoiding a HUGE EXPLOSION)

TSUME: Let's go kill some random men.

KIBA: That'll be fun.

CHEZA: But first you must follow me!

(For the next 10 MINUTES, a huge SHOOTOUT SCENE commences. People die.)

CHER: Did Cheza SMILE?!?!?!?

CHEZA: Damn straight!

TOBOE: It's a dead end!

HIGE: AHH!! (he is so SCARED, he runs INTO A WALL)

KIBA: Cheza! You must have magical powers! Use them!

CHEZA: Okay! (the WALL EXPLODES) Let's go!

(CHEZA and COMPANY run through the new HOLE. It MAGICALLY COLLAPSES behind them)

CHER: My signal is going… going… gone! Poof! like a rapper when he's shot up at a club.

RANDOM LAND HOBO: Right thurr.

ENDING

LEARA: Dammit Toboe! I hate you!

TOBOE: I hate you too, you fuckin' bitch.

LEARA: That's totally kewl yo. Wanna go have wild sex in a closet?

TOBOE: I'm down. (they DO)

TSUME: Let's play KICK THE CAN!

HIGE: Fun fun fun fun fun fun!!!!

KIBA: Where's Toboe? Like, omigod, the other day I saw a flower in a flower shop and it was sooo cool. That's so cool! I know, it was-

DIRECTOR: Dammit! Where the fuck is Toboe? And Kiba! Aren't you supposed to be in jail!?

KIBA: Fuck. (is TAKEN AWAY)

HIGE: Cheese.

PREVIEW

DARCIA: Aw shit yo. The fuck? (read SCRIPT) Oh… music, wow. I dunno. Snoop Dogg is a personal favorite, but I prefer Eminem. Rap faux pas, like totally!

CHEZA: I like… Jojo.

(1) Okay, for all y'all Snoop Dog fans out there, this one's for you! Actually not really, since I'm not a fan myself. Sorry fans! Anyway, if you hadn't heard this rap with the man-thing saying "Snoooop!" at the beginning, you're weird. It's like one of the most popular and terrible songs of the day!

Anyway, I'm really pissed off at word right now. Let's just say it deleted a six page long essay for English that's due the day after tomorrow. Hmm… not too great. Boobbieyright… anyway, shout outs!

Kawaii Elf Girl - Terri! XD XD XD I love you! (hug hug)  
-Lyke, omigawd, another review from Kami-chan! Thank you sooo much! (glomp) And only _I_ sound like a sprinsider? Rightcoughhrm.  
-You don't know who Gehl is...? Oh well, I persoanally hate him. His vioce actor gets annoying after like, 45 animes. Aaand, YOU have to call me! Like, totally!

catkid1126- TT I love the characters. And yes... it was kinda funny in a twisted... way. Thanks for the review!

Ryogas-Baby-Gurl - Ihearts j00! And, like, we're the same age! Omigawd! (hug)And yes, I do need to updatesoon. I'm sorry. (sniffle) I know the chappies are short and... stupid but it takes a lot of work! Really it does! Anyway... luv ya lots! (hug)

Whiskers - Eep! I love Jak-chan! (hugs both) Quent is smart on the inside. I like beer! Yay. Thanks sooo much!

Anyway (damn, I need to stop with that word)… thanks for reading y'all. I know I sound a bit picky, but I didn't get as many reviews as I wanted this time! Oh well. I will updatequicker!But remember, if you don't wind the winder-handle-thingy, the Jack won't pop out of the box! So review and get a prize. No, I'm not telling what it is! You'll just have to review and find out! (It's good I swear, not some virtual candy or money. Something real… Hint: an eye for an eye!)


	8. Song of Waffles

Mou… so sorry, this is a day late! (shoots herself) (revives). I'm so sorry! It's not like I forgot, I would never forgot, I just wasn't able to cause I was away from my compy! Sorry friends! So yes, to make up for this updates will come a day sooner for the day lost. Yay.

Anyway, just read the chapter. This one is my personal fav.

EPISODE 8: Song of Waffles

OPENING

CONTE: This episode is about singing, therefore being my favorite episode! Although they don't sing very well… hey, you can't deny you watch the beginning of American Idol JUST to see the bad people! Huh? Huh! I mean, they SUCK! They totally SUCK! But it's sooo fun to watch I mean, totally! The way Simon disses them… He's totally hot by the way… TACO BELL!

(SOMEWHERE) (This is getting really old, isn't it?)

CRACK LADY: ABC! Easy as 123! Baby! Whoosh ouch! Burn baby burn! DISCO INFERNO! Tsss…. Hot!

(AMRY-TYPE SOMEWHERE)

CHER: Those kids... were no ordinary kids…

GENERAL: Tell me about it! Did you see the way they dressed? Sooo 90's! And that one wearing the black! 70's!

CHER: That's actually not what I meant… I mean, Cheza was happy with them!

GENERAL: People who dress like that usually do heroine so… yeah.

CHER: I think they we're wolves.

GENERAL: You are a fuck up.

CHER: Dip.

(in the SKY)

FLYING ROBOT: Kill the rebel scum! Kill! Huh? What? Oh. Sorry, wrong planet! (1)

CHEZA: Those constipation pills sure have their fair share of side affects! I feel totally suicidal! (she TRIES to JUMP OFF a CLIFF, alas, FAILS SOMEHOW)

HIGE: Isn't it sooo cool, the antennas Cheza has? I think they're totally sexy.

TOBOE: I don't see them.

HIGE: You must be blind.

TSUME: I'm feeling really bitchy right now. Kiba! I want to have a catfight with you.

KIBA: Ok fine. (ahem) Oh. My. God. Tsume, where the fuck did you get you're hair dye? It totally reeks!

TSUME: Actually, I got it at CVS.

KIBA: Oh really? That's kewl.

TSUME: Oh I totally know- Wait a second…! I hate you Kiba! (huff fume)

KIBA: Cheza's going to lead us to paradise.

TOBOE: Paradise? Oops. Thought we were going to Chuckie Cheese's… ha, oh well…

CHEZA: …If you're looking for the goodies keep on looking cause they stay in the drawer… oh oh… oh oh…

KIBA: Woah. It never said on her packaging that she came with a Jukebox!

TSUME: I love My Goodies!

HIGE: It's making feel drowsy despite the loud siren and techno beat…

(SOMEHOW, EVERYONE goes to SLEEP)

TOBOE: I'm dreaming of sitting in a fire waiting for Granny to eat me! Anything for Granny!

HIGE: I'm dreaming of raping underage girls! Woohoo!

TSUME: I'm dreaming of killing innocent animals for the sake of killing!

KIBA: I'm dreaming about… what's happening right now.

(At the MARKET) (See? I totally know where we are!)

ARMY MEN: Okay people… Stick 'em up! I want all of your Best Buy dollars and any goat cheese you have! Oh… you have cream cheese? That's kewl.

TOBOE: I'm afraid of cats. (SPYS SOMETHING) Oh look a wolf fur jacket! Cheza will looove that!

(in an ALLEYWAY)

TOBOE: I bought Cheza a present!

HIGE: Me too! Maybe now she'll like us as much as Kiba!

TOBOE: She'll like my present more.

HIGE: (gasp) !

TOBOE: What is it, Hige?

HIGE: Oh, it's just a trashcan.

TOBOE: We should run. I'm afraid of trashcans too. (they DO)

(At the TREE OF LIFE 2)

TSUME: I'm awake.

CHEZA: You slept the longest.

TSUME: No dip.

CHEZA: I can see your ass.

TSUME: The point.

KIBA: Tsume… I thought you should know… I didn't wake you up because you looked so adorable when you were sleeping! I was fighting the temptation to go perverted on you in your sleep.

TSUME: Thank you for the assurance of keeping my virginity later on.

KIBA: Hey, that's what I'm here for. I'm the sex god of the series, after all. I mean, my hair, my eyes, my shoes…

AUDIENCE: They are not sexy!

KIBA: …I mean, my knees…somehow…

HIGE: We're back everyone!

TOBOE: A rabid trashcan was stalking us.

(AMRY CAMP BASE PLACE MAYBE)

CHER: One of my secret hobbies is looking at photos of dead people! By the way, I'm schizophrenic.

(At the TREE OF LIFE 2)

TOBOE: Do you like my present Cheza?

CHEZA: No! I hate it! It looks terrible!

TOBOE: I thought you were blind though…

CHEZA: Just shut up you bitch! That coat is making me pissed off! (her eyes EXPAND, and the COAT bursts into FLAMES) Okay…. Next!

TSUME: Here are some boots…

CHEZA: Omigawd! (squeal snort giggle laughter) Uggs! I've wanted these for ages! I love Uggs! Yay!

CRACK LADY: Badda bing Badda boom, Michael Jackson impersonator 2325663254.789 has arrived!

HIGE: Woah.

CRACK LADY: Wolves…

DARCIA: Totally MY line… I mean uh, sorry, gotta go… place…

KIBA: OoOoK! ANYway, why are you here Crack Lady? More importantly, who the fuck are you?

(FLASH to ARMY PLACE PROBABLY)

CHER: I'm still looking at dead people!

(BACK at the TREE OF LIFE 2)

CRACK LADY: I'm a hanahaheroine lady. But that's irrelevant. I came to tell Cheza she's perfect.

HIGE: I totally know! Her curves are so well balanced!

CRACK LADY: Actually that's not what I meant. So go fuck yourself.

HIGE: Oh. Ok.

CRACK LADY: What I mean is Cheza was a perfect breed of her kind. A perfect mix of rice and a lunar flower.

TSUME: Wait a second, I thought she was 100 percent lunar flower?

CRACK LADY: That is incorrect. Go fuck yourself. You see, Cheza has to have the right… genes to open the gate to the Everlasting Taco Bell, and rice is just as nice as a lunar flower.

TOBOE: Well why not like, cauliflower or something else white and edible?

CRACK LADY: Who eats that shit at a fast food restaurant? Go fuck yourself.

KIBA: I don't think I like this. We'll have to choose one. I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.

TSUME: Four.

KIBA: She's a lunar flower.

HIGE: Wait a shit-second! We were supposed to run from the human forces approximately… (LOOKS at WATCH) (Not like he HAS one or anything) 2.67 seconds ago!

CRACK LADY: Shit! Run everyone!

(EVERYONE does SO, doing the MATRIX as well)

(UGLY HOUSE)

CRACK LADY: Can I take off my sunglasses now? It's getting sorta dark in here. Also, I was supposed to take them off during the LAST scene but SOMEONE started a game of 20 questions!

HIGE: (picking his NOSE) What…?

CRACK LADY: (TAKES OFF SUNGLASSES) (her EYES are NEON PURPLE)

KIBA: Purple. That's totally hot.

CRACK LADY: Thank you. Anyway, my whole life story is: I was grown in some jar of green water, lined up for execution, escaped somehow, and made money by doing Michael Jackson impersonations. But the thing is, I haven't been very healthy lately. If I could have some organ transplants from Cheza, all would be well.

TOBOE: You're a selfish bitch. Go fuck yourself.

CRACK LADY: Shit! You just beat me at my own game!

(OUTSIDE)

CHER: Hm, let's see… Map Quest says a bonus plot location… should be… here. (she STOPS) Woah. That's some juicy looking plot location!

TSUME: Matches? Would you like some matches?

TOBOE: Fingernails?

HIGE: Crack?

CHER: You must be wolves.

KIBA: Shit! Run everyone!

(They DO)

CHER: Woah. Cheza flew right past me and I could have whipped out my handy shot gun and shot her. Oh well. Stupid Map Quest!

(CRACK FLOWER HOUSE)

CRACK LADY: I'm… dying.

(In an ALLEY)

CHEZA: Huff run huff…! Shit! That lady's dying. I could've given her my 17th kidney…

(INSERT LONG SILENCE)

CHEZA: Kibaaa! Cheza-chan has decided to come with you! Is that alright?

KIBA: Isn't that what you've been doing all this time…? (KIBA lets the subject DROP)

CHEZA: (begins to have EYE SPASMS) That's so totally hot! Hige?

HIGE: (is PICKING HIS NOSE. He eventually NOTICES CHEZA) Wha?

CHEZA: Yay! Toboe?

TOBOE: Yea sure, but dude, if we get hungry… ladies first…

CHEZA: (UNFLOWER-LIKE GIGGLE of DOOM) Awsome! And Tsume?

TSUME: (filing nails) Whatev, man. Whatev.

CHEZA: Wow, like totally kewl! I now pronounce us, the FELLOWSHIP OF THE FLOWER! Yay flowers! Hippies, all da way! (random PEACE SIGN)

KIBA: Woah.

(MARKET)

CHER: Ugh I'm totally lost. Shit! Map Quest screwed me again!

(ALLEYWAY 5)

CHEZA: I love the dramatic way you fling this dirty cloth over my head!

KIBA: Thank you!

(MARKET)

CHER: I just walked right past the protagonist and the person I need to kill. Despite the odd way they're dressed and Kiba's familiar face, I didn't recognize them. Shit! (TURNS AROUND) Oh. They're gone.

AUDIENCE: How many times has that scenario appeared in a movie? Like… 20 billion… or so?

(CRACK FLOWER HOUSE)

CHEZA: I've come to ease your pain while you die, so it will be over quickly.

CRACK LADY: That's okay. It's the only episode I appear in, I want to have a dramatic exit.

CHEZA: You better get to then cause you don't have much longer!

CRACK LADY: I'm so happy… that I'm… dying… (turns a BROWN COLOR)

CHEZA: Woah! Michael Jackson technique… only the other way around! That's hot.

DIRECTOR: Jesus Christ, Cheza! Get the fucking emotions right!

CHEZA: Oops! Sorry! Tee hee! (CRIES with an UNEMOTIONAL EXPRESSION) I'm so sad…

(OUTSIDE)

KIBA: I don't know what you did in there but I'm here… Hold my hand. It will make me horny and make you feel better.

CHEZA: Sounds good to me.

(OUTSIDE of the CITY)

QUENT: Quick! Blue! Where's the closest porn shop! I'm low in stock!

BLUE: I hate people.

QUENT: Woah. That's a big ass ship that's suspended in the air right there.

BLUE: Tru dat.

ENDING

JAIL MAN: Okay, Kiba! You're free to go, just don't go running naked again.

KIBA: Okay! Whee! (he RUNS) I feel so free! I will always remain free! Free as the wind! Yes! Lookit me go! Freeeee!

PREVIEW

CHER: So I told my daughter not to feed the wolf vodka. So what does she do? She feeds the wolf vodka. So now I've got a dumb daughter, a dead wolf, and no vodka! And now I gotta go to work!

(1) Star Wars clip thing! Yeah. I saw the robot in the anime and was like: 'Shit! That looks a lot like those floaty things in Star Wars!' So yeah. Shout outs!

Miss-Ashleychan – Omigawd, I love you! (hug) You're sooo cool! Yay! I love my Toboe too, especially in this chapter. Thanks so much for the review!

toboe's-Fan – Yay Snoop! I'm glad you responded to that, it made me all warm inside.  
–Waai, you reviewed not once, but twice! You are a good example of… humanity? Yeah, that's the word. Thanks so much for the reviews!

like-cairo – Yay fangirly dreams! Hooray! Oh joy. Anway, I'm soooo happy you like it. And yes, pairing Conte an Sakamoto up was a must since they sing so many songs together. And you might have trouble bearing my children since I'm female… Anyway, thanks bunchies for the review!

Whiskers – Yay! Jak is hot. I find cursing funny too, seeing as how little the wolvies curse (to the extreme, i.e. Fuck). So yeah, a turn for the better I must say. Thanks for the review!

Moon Dog – I'm so happy my ficcy lifted your spirits! I feel so touched. Thanks so much for the review!

Oook… hopefully some of you who reviewed last time found out what the prize was… A review for one of your stories! Yeah, I like to return good deeds. And no, that wasn't a one time thing. Review, and receive one for yourself EXCEPT(!) if I have no idea what your fic is based on… like Star Trek for example. I don't know anything about it. Okay kewl.

Just review… people.


	9. 4,1:0!

Sorry this chappy's a day late! My internet hasn't been working for a while now, and it only started working today. Be glad. This chapter could have been updated much later.

Well anyway, this isn't my favorite one, but I hope it's enjoyable. The title's my favorite part, since I couldn't think of anything else. Oh! And for future preference, there IS such thing as dandelion wine! It's good! It's like alcohol blasted water! Yum. Sorta.

AND OMIGOD. THEY'RE DUBBING NARUTO! Can you believe it? It's going to air on Toonami sometime between July and September. NOT COOL. I would be much happier if it was on Adult Swim. Anyway, if there are any Naruto fans reading this, please review and tell me your thoughts! I'll be sure to respond next chapter, so we can have a little side chat about WTF is going to happen to the awesome-as-it-is-now anime.

EPISODE 9: ((-4,"1#>:0!.-))

OPENING

CONTE: ABCDEFG, HIJKLMNOP, QRS, TUV, WX, Y and Z. Now I know my ABC's, next time won't you sing with me.

QUENT: Yeah baby yeah! I'm feelin' it! I'm on FIYA! (translation: fire)

(OLD CITY)

AUDIENCE: Dammit Hubb! This city is getting really old! Everyone else has left, what the fuck are you still doing here?

WHORE: I'm a whore.

HUBB: No dip.

WHORE: So why are you here?

HUBB: Story time! Yay!

WHORE: Okay. Here goes! (ahem) Everyone is different. Bobby is different. He's about to get his head blown off by aliens. But Maria is about to get her eyes gouged out by knife wielding ass holes. Everyone is different.

HUBB: That was beautiful. And for that, here's 300 bucks.

WHORE: I should've been an author. But my Mary-Kate Olsen lips are too cool for that field.

(FLARIN' BAR)

HUBB: Apple juice, please.

CHER: I saw a few hobos the other day. They were wolves… too.

QUENT: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

CHER: Isn't it?

(OUTSIDE)

BLUE: Oh no… MORE protagonists!

CHEZA: A friend! Like, omigod a friend! It's another protagonist!

BLUE: I hate you! (bite's CHEZA'S hand OFF)

CHEZA: Oh dear. (REGROWS her hand SOMEHOW) Anyway, did you know you're a wolf?

BLUE: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

CHEZA: I know…

(INSIDE)

ARMY MAN: There are wolves outside.

SAME MAN ONLY DIFFERENT: Maybe we should call the general and tell him instead of shooting at them.

ARMY MAN: Good idea.

SAME MAN ONLY DIFFERENT: Cher is useless.

ARMY MAN: I feel you.

CHER: I resent that!

(CAR GRAVEYWARD)

KIBA: Okay youngin's let's spread out! Hut hut! 24 16 and hike!

TSUME: Good attitude.

(KIBA, TSUME and HIGE exit RIGHT STAGE)

CHEZA: Wooh, that dandelion cake and wine sure was filling! I'm stuffed!

TOBOE: Does that make you a cannibal?

CHEZA: Probably. (shrug)

TOBOE: (shrug shrug burp shrug) I had a kitten.

(OUTSIDE the YELLOW TONKA BUS)

UNKNOWN FOR NOW KID: Geoffrey Hapuhazu no naka Kami Kashinkatinka Dimpu Mamalapako Hippieomgporngrnrg the third, let's meet up in town!

GHKKDMHIII: Good idea, Kevin Pasdeda Lamenka de mor Depentdata Comoestasmuybienytu Frass Ilieyokukakukokukukuke Bort!

KPLDCFIB: Let's go! (they SPLIT UP)

ONE-SYLLABLE NAME KID: Noooo! What about me!

GHKKDMHIII/KPLDCFIB: I don't think so, your name is so not kewl enough to be in our posse! You suck, Kort Ki!

KORT: Shit! I'm screwed!

(ALLEYWAY)

EVIL CONSTIPATED MAN: Those kids… were no ordinary kids…

SIDEKICK MAN: Tell me about it. I mean, I've heard of people pulling off The Matrix, but that was ridiculous!

EVIL CONSTIPATED MAN: No, not that! How did I get these wounds when they had no weapons?

SIDEKICK MAN: Um, maybe since you were to concentrated on the piss you were taking you didn't see the weapons?

EVIL CONSTIPATED MAN: Oh.

(SOMEWHERE)

QUENT: You've grown over the past ten or so years Blue.

BLUE: Most things grow over time, dumbass.

QUENT: Be quiet while I'm preaching to you! I really think we should get those wolves to the SPCA, I mean, what if they have fleas?

BLUE: It's anime, people don't HAVE fleas.

QUENT: Not even the animals?

BLUE: Of course not!

QUENT: My kid was stubborn. He had fleas.

BLUE: He was messed.

QUENT: No dip, now please go do a good deed while I sleep off my hangover.

KORT: Shit! People are killing me!

BLUE: I'm bored, I'll attack them. (she DOES)

EVIL CONSTPATED MAN: You asshole bitch! Always foiling my plans! I'll get you my pretty, I'll get you!

BLUE: You do that.

QUENT: Blue! What kind of good deed was that? What I MEANT was saving some poor kid's life!

BLUE: This is exactly why I hate you.

KORT: Smells like porn in here.

QUENT: It's comforting that you know what porn smells like.

(MARKET)

CHER: What lovely paintings you have!

MAN: Thank you, the one your looking for is inside.

CHER: How nice that you can read my mind… (looks at SMEXY PAINTING) Oh my! I didn't know Darcia was THAT sexy!

MAN: He makes me hard.

CHER: Me too.

AUDIENCE: Wow. TMI… TMI… (too much info)

(UGLY HOUSE)

QUENT: So, you are an orphan.

KORT: No dip! I have the generic anime-orphan look, so it was pointless to ask that question.

(OUTSIDE)

EVIL CONSTIPATED MAN: Omigawsh it's you!

BLUE: So it would seem…

NEZE: Totally my line…

EVIL CONSTIPATED MAN: I attack thee! I attack thee! (he DOES)

BLUE: I'm not dead.

EVIL CONSTIPATED MAN: I shoot at thee! I shoot at thee! (he DOES)

BLUE: Dude, give it up. I'm a protagonist! I can't die. Yet.

EVIL CONSTIPATED MAN: Then I guess I will. (he DOES)

(INSIDE)

QUENT: I hope you find your father someday.

KORT: What you don't know is that I'm your long lost son.

QUENT: I'm drunk I can't hear you!

KORT: You should leave. There's a dead man outside my door. Since it was your dog's fault, you have to clean it up.

QUENT: I still can't hear you.

(OUTSIDE)

QUENT: Blue…

(CAR GRAVEYARD)

KIBA: Toboe and Cheza… they're…. Gone… (he CRIES)

HIGE: It's okay buddy, we'll get through this.

TOBOE: Dudezzz… I'm lyke, riite heear… an' I haav ben… lyk, fo' thee howol thyme.

TSUME: What the fuck happened to you?

TOBOE: Chersa haad sum reaali grate dandeeeleon wine! You shuud haff suum!

TSUME: That's not my thing.

TOBOE: Oookay… buut iff you chang yoour miund, theere's pelentii to goo arououond!

CHEZA: So what's the plan?

KIBA: We're surrounded, so we'll just casually walk out of here and make way for the death forest-

HIGE: Why?

KIBA: Because that's what the script said and we need more obstacles to overcome. Anyway, if we just whistle and waltz on by, they'll least expect that, so we'll do fine.

TOBOE: Iiii'm sououou eksiiiited!

(DARCIA GRAVEYARD)

CHER: Why the fuck did I bring flowers for people I don't even know?

DARCIA: Boo!

CHER: Hey there, sexy.

DARCIA: (singing) I don't want another minute to go to waste, I just want you and your beautiful soul!

CHER: That man needs to get over the fact that he is shallow. Like Hal… from that movie.

DARCIA: I was in that movie.

CHER: That's sexy.

(CAR GRAVEYARD)

ARMY MAN: Kill everything that moves! (NOTHING MOVES) Kill it anyway!

(ARMY PEOPLE proceed to kill INANIMATE OBJECTS)

(ARMY BASE)

KIBA: With our sexy Michael Jackson outfits, no one will notice us!

(4 WOLVES and 1 FLOWER do the MOONWALK through the ARMY BASE)

(In the CITY)

QUENT: Dammit Blue, this whole missing thing is starting to make me constipated!

TOBOE: Lookit me!

QUENT: Oh my great fucking god! Wolves are around the freakin' corner!

BLUE: To test how stupid humans are, I'll enter at this moment, pretending to die.

QUENT: Sorry Blue, Taco Bell calls. (he LEAVES)

BLUE: What the fuck?

(SOMEWHERE)

CHEZA: Cool, everyone's here!

HIGE: How do you know? You're blind!

TOBOE: Dude! Her antennae!

QUENT: Time to die! (they DON'T)

CHEZA: Save me, Kiba!

KIBA: (is getting a HICKEY from TSUME) Sorry, not in the mood.

QUENT: Oh I'm out of ammo! (RELOAD)

NEO: Like, The Matrix!

QUENT: Oh the wolves are gone.

DIRECTOR: I thought you wanted to bring them to the SPCA, not kill them.

QUENT: I have PMS, ok! So back off! Hubatcha-no.

(In the CITY)

QUENT: Blue's gone. That was too obvious. Oh well.

DIRECTOR: What… the-

QUENT: I mean! (sadness) Blue…

TOBOE: Howl back youngin.'

WHORE: w00t w00t!

ENDING

CHEZA: (on a SNOW MOBILE) Whee! This one is having fun! (she RUNS OVER KIBA) Oops! This one ran over something! Oh well! Whee! (she RIDES OFF into the SUNSET)

PREVIEW

CHEZA: Club of Life. Another Hobo. Grab the Stripper. Ass-hole Hyper Wave. Youngin's Grind Hard. Fucked or not Fucked? Rave and Party.

CHER: I don't think that was quite right.

CHEZA: Screw you.

CHER: Please don't.

Ugh… that one was pretty bad. It had it's funny points, but other than that it was lame. O. Lame-O. Okay. So review. People. Please? But first! Shout-outs!

Canis Lupis - Where did you go? Limited internet time sucks, I used to have it. Anyway, I'm so glad you loved the fic! It makes me all warm inside!

toboe's-Fan - Wow... here's the update! (cough)  
-Haha, I loved that nickname as well. Please don't kill Tsume, he makes these chapters flow better!  
-I hated that Robo-man thing. Unpimped. Holla.  
-Tsume HAS to be over-dramatic because that makes him all the more OOC! You can't have a good parody with all the characters IC. It doesn't work!  
-UPDATED!  
-My class loved the goodies thing when I told them about it, even if they didn't get it. I'm glad you like that! Modern day stuff makes me laugh somehow... Anyway, thanks so much for the reivews!

Miss-Ashleychan - Yay! You reviewed! (happiness) I totally have to agree with you, Toboe really does kick ass. Especially in this chapter with all the drunkedness stuff. That was a blast to write. (hugs) I love you!

anonymous - I'm glad you liked it! I really liked Chapter 8, probably my favorite one! Yayness!

Ryogas-Baby-Gurl - There's no need to apologize, I totally feel you! It assures me you actually have a life outside unlike me. (I live for Uchihacest. Don't ask.) Anyway, boxers totally rock! Yay! And yes, look forward to that line in the next or following chapters! It made me giddy, like I was high! (hug)

Moondog186 - Dude, I rock boxers and now socks! Awsome, yo! Thanks so much for the review! (hugs)

Another thing, about my, review, get one in return thing… I can't send reviews anymore! My compy doesn't load the pop-up thingy right, so it only displays where I type the review and nothing else! So as soon as I solve this problem, I'll be sure to review for your fic if you review for me. So sorry! Sure, it's an awesome reason to review, and now there is none! But please, reviews mean much to me, they're the only sanity I have left.

So review!


	10. The Moon is a Planet

Waai! Sorry this took so long to post! Sorry I have to make the most lame yet true excuse: School is hectic. Now I'm only in eighth grade, but I go to one of those high-maintenance schools. But let's not go into that, the rant could take up an hour of my time and your time. So without further ado, chapter 10!  
P.S. Oh! I almost forgot! I take notes for every chapter so I won't have to jump from my TV to my Compy and so on… so in the middle of writing the parody I realized I watched the wrong episode! SO I had to go back and do it again! Can you believe that! Gwar!  
EPISODE 10: The Moon is a Planet  
OPENING 

CONTE: Dammit, this whole 'Stray' thing is starting to get old! Time to get jiggy with it! I mean, get your eagle on, girl!

CHER: Woot!

(In a CLEARING)

ARMY MAN A: This makes six shells! Whee! Lookit me, I can count to six!

ARMY MAN B: I can count to G!

ARMY MAN C: You dumb? I can count to purple backwards!

ARMY MAN B: If you're so smart, why don't you go into the Forest of Death?

ARMY MAN C: You dumb? I'm not in the mood to die now!

ARMY MAN A: I am.

ARMY MAN C: You dumb?

NEZE: So it would seem…

(In the FOREST OF DEATH)

HIGE: This place is so totally depressing! It needs more drugs.

TOBOE: Dude, you're so messed.

CHEZA: I totally need some of that wine...

TOBOE: (Pulls out JOINT) Me too... (LIGHTS it and starts SMOKING)

TSUME: Hey Toboe, wanna get dirty later?

TOBOE: Not really, I've already had my share of premature orgasms.

TSUME: Shit!

KIBA: I wanna make love to the moon.

TOBOE: Woah friends, now that's a little extreme!

KIBA: This anime is a little extreme.

HIGE: Argh! Hunger!

TSUME: Don't worry Hige, I've got tons of nail polish if you get desperate.

BUG: Attack!

TOBOE: Eek! Save me Tsume!

TSUME: (he DOES) Cheza do you want to eat this?

KIBA: (PUNCHES TSUME) Cheza doesn't eat bugs!

CHEZA: Um, actually I do, but if you say so…! Teehee!

HIGE: (sigh) There's no light in this pimp house…

(In an UGLY ROOM)

EVIL MAN: Quent, what the hell was that gun thing all about? And your dog too! Killin' people off like there's no tomorrow!

QUENT: Well shucks, I guess the wolves made me do it.

(FOREST OF DEATH)

TOBOE: Dammit Tsume! Did you have to be so rough? I'm in so much pain!

TSUME: Sorry kid. I couldn't help it!

CHEZA: Here let me help you! (STROKES TOBOE)

TOBOE: Oh! It feels so good! Oh yes! Yesyesyesyesyesyes! Oh Gods!

HIGE: Wow… that was… some reaction.

TOBOE: Will you shut up! Can't a wolf have an orgasm in peace around here?

KIBA: (monotonously) We're in the Forest of Death. There is no peace in this place.

TSUME: What are you, possessed?

KIBA: Something like that.

(PRETTY PLACE)

DARCIA: Awaketh, fair princess!

CHER: Will you shut up! You've been saying that for the past ten minutes!

DARCIA: Sooooorry! I was just TRYING to get the cues right.

CHER: A first. I'm surprised.

DARCIA: I decided to turn over a new burger.

CHER: I think you mean leaf.

DARCIA: No… I'm pretty sure I mean burger.

CHER: You need help.

NEZE: So it would seem…

(FOREST OF DEATH)

HIGE: (singing) The trees are alive with the sound of hyperventilation!

CHEZA: Oh! I'm so faint! I should've grabbed that bug when I had the chance!

TSUME: I hate you Kiba.

KIBA: Well… I love you!

OWL: Holla youngin's. It's time for you to start walkin! W00t w00t!

HIGE: Oh, you seem like such a good rapper! Marry me!

OWL: Fuck no way! (flies off)

HIGE: Noo! Wait for me, my love!

TSUME: Hige! I have a score to settle with you! It's not over until the fat Cheza sings!

CHEZA: (eats a HUGE BUG and begins to SING)

TSUME: Shit! It's over! (follows HIGE for no APPARENT REASON)

(ELSWHERE)

OWL: Riddles Riddles Riddles Riddles Riddles Riddles Riddles Riddles-

TSUME: Dammit Toboe! Just howl already!

TOBOE: w00t w00t!

(BACK at the OTHER PLACE)

CHEZA: I'm dying! Oh! That bug was too much!

OWL: I can lead you to a juicy plot place…

KIBA: Well why didn't you say so? (follows OWL)

(At a CAVE)

TSUME: That's one hot cave.

HIGE: Looks kinda bright.

TOBOE: What the shit are you on?

HIGE: It was the only grass in sight and I was so hungry! I'm sorry! I couldn't resist!

OWL: If you don't go in this cave, this series won't live to see episode 11.

KIBA: Well I guess we have no choice!

(DARICA'S PLACE)

DARCIA: BEHOLD! (whips out his handy THING)

CHER: Wow! So much data!

DARCIA: Though she is a unique specimen, it is quite impossible to have this much information on a simple rice-lunar flower. Somewhere in this mass of information, you will find that the saying is actually turning over a burger, not a leaf.

CHER: I've seen wolves before.

DARCIA: You are such a fool. We're on episode 10, not 1! Everyone's seen a wolf by now!

CHER: Oh. Shit! I've been reading the wrong script the whole time! No wonder I have no idea about what the fuck is going on!

(In the CAVE)

KIBA: Dammit! We're going in circles!

TSUME: How do you know?

KIBA: Because then the episode would be boring and too short!

TOBOE: Woah… calm down partner. No one asked you to get all PMSish in the middle of a crisis!

KIBA: Actually, Cheza did.

HIGE: I see light!

TOBOE: Hige, go in a corner and count you fingers. Tell me when you get to ten.

HIGE: Oohkhay! (DOES SO) 1, 2, 3, 4 ,7 ,9, 15! Argh! Dammit! 2, 1, 3.14, 7…

TSUME: Kiba, will you start acting like the leader of our pack?

KIBA: No shit Tsume. I've been doing so! I'm a male!

TSUME: Not with those titty lumpkins!

KIBA: (looks at HIS CHEST) Omigawd! My pecks have outgrown me!

TOBOE: You guys… we're… not alone…

BUG: Attack!

CHEZA: No! Please! Toss me up to higher ground!

KIBA: Okay. (DOES SO)

CHEZA: Whee!

KIBA: Okay team! Battle formation SASS (Stereotypical Anime Situation Shit)! Let's do it!

(EVERYONE ASSEMBLES)

HIGE: Uh Toboe… I still haven't gotten to-

TOBOE: Forget it, it's not important anymore. For now, just focus on making those baddies on the other side of the cave die.

TSUME: Ready when y'all are!

KIBA: Ready…. POSE!

(Our HEROS strike many different POSES. They are SO FLASHY, they somehow DESTROY THOUSANDS of BUGS)

(2 minutes later)

KIBA: Oh no! All this exercise is making my titty lumpkins harden and shrink! I can't do my killer flashy moves anymore!

CHEZA: This one will help you! After all… I have to do SOMETHING!

(CHEZA tries to JUMP down to her COMPANIONS, however, OVERLOOKS the large, gaping HOLE. She falls into it, and SOMEHOW, the WOLVES follow suit)

HIGE: I see light!

TOBOE: Hige will you stop with the light and- Omigawd! So do I!

CHEZA: We made it!

TSUME: Okay everyone! Time to get entirely OOC!

KIBA: Whee!

(4 WOLVES jump into CONVENIENTLY PLACED POND. CHEZA takes a different route, by walking in SLOWLY and striking a PORNY pose. ALL is amazed)

(DARCIA'S PLACE)

DARCIA: Cheza's gonne die soon.

CHER: She's not the only one…

(PROMISED LAND)

CHEZA: Sleep, my precious wolves… while you can… (MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

OWL: Park it like it's hawt!

ENDING

DIRECTOR: Oh shit, someone call 911!

CHEZA: This one had an accident!

DIRECTOR: Of course you did! You ran over the main character!

CHEZA: Ahahahahaha!

PREVIEW

KIBA: Aw dammit, why the hell do I have to do the preview with a cross-dresser in it!

CHEZA: Oh don't say that Kiba! I happen to like cross-dressing! In fact, I'll let you in on a little secret. (whispering) I'm a man!

KIBA: Holy FUCK!

CHEZA: Teehee! Juuuust kidding!

Whoosh… it's OVA! I actually really enjoyed that chapter. I hope you guys did too. It was hott. But ARGH! Cheza is the most annoying character to freak around with because she's already messed up. Now don't get me wrong, I like Cheza. It's just that her lines are so corny it's hard to make a parody off of them. So if you have any Cheza-altering suggestions, drop me a review! I'll take it into consideration and warp her personality. Holla!

toboe's-fan - Yay! Thanks so much for the review! Sorry if the chapter was a little dissapointing though... anyway... Yeah! Yeah.

Moondog186 - Thank you for being honest with me. I hate it when people lie and tell me it was good. I'm a little blunt, so I don't mind when people tell me the straight out truth. I was a little bit pissed with the owl during this episode, so sorry if it was a dissapointment. oh and do I have plans for Blue and Toboe! Nyahaha!

VASH THE STAMPEDE 63 - Thanks for the reivew! I did incorporate your idea into the ficcy, so thanks very much. Ugh, your Toboe just kicks ass. Thanks again!

Buddi-chan - Wai! (hug) Thank you so much! And corruption of the mind is my hidden skill of DOOM! Hahahahahahaha-okay now it's getting old. Thanks for the review!

Miss-Ashleychan - Yay! You reviewed! Anyway, I'm glad you liked that part. Oh and do I have something planned for Taco Bell... (maniacal laughter) Just wait for the next chappy!

neolotus - I'm so glad you think so! Thanks so much for the reivew!

Kawaii Elf Girl - Yay! (glomp hug) Omigawd! We have to go to that place place. Oh and we've already had a little party so I guess I can't respond to the call part. EXCEPT! I found Final Fantasy 7 on the net, only it was used, I can't find any new ones. But it's cheap so that's kewl. Call meeee!

Ooookay… I don't know what else to say… so review!

P.S.S. Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7 is the new hot guy. Just thought you should know.

P.S.-oh screw it. Has anyone played Star Ocean 3? If so, tell me who your favorite character and coupling is! Yay!

'Kay now I'm done. Peace Out.


	11. Gone Like A Rapper

Urk… yeah. I'm not a liar so I'm not making lame excuses.

PROCRASTINATION!

(sigh) That feels better.

Time to renew teh disclaimer!

Disclaimer: I do not own Wolf's Rain, Steve Conte, Nelly, 50 Cent, Ciara, Adam Sandler, Michael Jackson, The Ring, On-Star, Usher, The Four Seasons, Febreeze, Super Fresh, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, DQ and MORE. I DO own… milk. And this keyboard. How cool is that?

EPISODE 11: Gone Like a Rapper

(DOME CITY)

FREAKY FORTUNETELLER: Omigawd! You're like, going to die in seven days!

ORCHUM: Dammit! I knew I shouldn't have watched that freak-ass videotape! Somebody call On-Star!

(On the STREETS)

CROSSEDRESSER: (sigh) (groan) (moan) (sigh) (sees HUBB) Oooh! SEXAY!

RANDOM LADY: Hubb! I love you! (GLOMP)

HUBB: And I love you! Wait like, who the fuck are you?

CROSSDRESSER: I like oysters.

(ELSEWHERE)

RANDOM LADY: I know Cher!

HUBB: Shit no way! I do too!

RANDOM LADY: She died, you better go find her body.

DETECTIVE MAN: Not while I'm around! Cher's body is mine! Mwahahaha!

(BULIDING PLACE)

ORCHUM: Samara will never be able to penetrate the On-Star troops I have! Aha!

SAMARA: Bright light!

ON-STAR: DIE!

(A huge ONE-SIDED SHOOT-OUT SCENE commences)

ON-STAR: N-no…. (DIES)

ORCHUM: Wait… you… you're not Samara… JAGURA!

JAGURA TROOP THING: Damn straight!

ORCHUM: DEAD!

OPENING

CONTE: Hey Kiba, I just farted.

KIBA: What, just now?

CONTE: Yes, while I was supposed to be singing!

KIBA: Ph34r.

(RUSTY CITY)

TSUME: Can you just smell the danger in the air? It makes me want to whip out a gun and shoot people! Yeah, I own like, ten guns! It's pretty neat.

TOBOE: I used to be an assassin when I was younger.

HIGE: I used to be anorexic.

KIBA: I used to be afraid of spiders.

CHEZA: I used to be a tree.

(silence)

KIBA: There's a full moon tonight.

TOBOE: And I'll be like, stronger than He-Man!

TSUME: So… Cheza's going to bloom?

HIGE: No! She's going to EXPLODE! BOOOOOOOM!

CHEZA: I also used to be a cucumber.

(PLACE OF COLD AND STONE)

DETECTIVE MAN: Cher never really existed. It was just an illusion you had in your mind.

HUBB: Time's are a-changing.

DETECTIVE MAN: I know… Cows just started to produce neon purple milk the other day.

HUBB: I prefer blue mayonnaise.

(SOMETHING EXPLODES)

DETECTIVE MAN: We're under attack! Everybody run and hide! Oh the world's ending! Jesus, I hate you!

HUBB: (leaves quietly)

(SHIP PLACE)

GENERAL: Lord Orchum is dead! So is On-Star! We must save our city!

SOLDIER: What about Cheza?

GENERAL: Fuck her! We're swingin' this baby home!

(DARCIA'S PIMP HOUSE OF LOVE AND SEX)

CHER: I'm going to wander this castle and get into trouble. (finds SOMETHING) Wow! With this, I could suck Cheza's brain out of her ears! Not like she has one or anything…

DARCIA: Cheza's brains are made of cauliflower. If you want them so badly, there's a Super Fresh ten miles from here.

CHER: I'm going to kill Cheza.

DARCIA: No need, she'll die anyway!

CHER: What…? Oh FUCK YOU! I didn't read ahead in the script like the rest of you shit-ass people! Fuck you all!

DARCIA: The world dies, Cher.

CHER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(RUSTY CITY… ONLY IT'S NIGHT)

KIBA: What's going to happen?

HIGE: Maybe… maybe Taco Bell will finally reveal itself.

TOBOE: I feel so alive!

TSUME: Omigosh! This moon is making me feel so entirely OOC!

CHEZA: There is only one way we can find Taco Bell… Let's. Get. Jiggy with it.

(ALL does a CRAZY DANCE. HOWLING is involved.)

(DARCIA'S PIMP HOUSE OF WAFFLES AND PANCAKES)

DARCIA: My pops was a cool guy.

CHER: What happened to him?

DARCIA: Paradise happened. He got sucked in.

CHER: So dramatic!

DARCIA: And how! Now, I must go to paradise to save Hamona! Because I love her brains and breasts!

CHER: You obviously don't know women. If a man ever said that to me, I would decapitate him.

(silence)

DARCIA: Paradise stole my eye!

CHER: How in God's name did your _eye _get sucked into paradise?

DARCIA: Well I dunno… it just sorta happened one night. I was drunk.

NEZE: (appears on TIVO) Darcia, you piece of shit! The time to strike is NOW! Get a fucking move on, asshole!

(RUSTY CITY AND IT'S STILL NIGHT)

(The WOLVES are POSING. A BRIGHT PATHWAY APPEARS)

KIBA: Wow…

TSUME: No… way… it's the path to Taco Bell!

CHEZA: Let's all follow The Heroine Road! Run in slow-mo everyone! SLOW-MOOOO!

(They DO)

(THE MOON)

DARCIA: My ship is totally on the moon, yo.

(THE EARTH)

KIBA: Oh no, a scary man!

TSUME: It's a noble!

DARCIA: Cheza! Come with me!

CHEZA: Uh… do I know you?

DARCIA: (Whips out his HANDY SYNTHESIZER and begins to PLAY and SING)

I was driving around in old Mexico  
I got lost and I didn't know which way to go.

I was confused, it was late and I was in a fog,

I ran over the Taco Bell dog.

I heard that smush and I said 'Oh Mama'

My low rider crushed that little Chihuahua.

I prayed for forgiveness in a Synagogue,

I ran over the Taco Bell dog.

If I am caught they'll put me in a cell with 20 locks  
Unless I can pin it on Jack in the Box.

I'll be whipped, and then beaten and then I'll be flogged,

I ran over the Taco Bell Dog

His last words were 'Yo Quiero el Medico'  
I flattened that pup to Hell I will go.

I should have skipped driving and gone for a jog,

I ran over the Taco Bell dog.

I ran over the Taco Bell dog.  
I ran over the Taco Bell-

CHEZA: (SCREAMS like a SIREN/ HORNY WHALE) Noooo! Darcia, how could you! You are a very bad man! I hate you! (SCREAMS SOME MORE)

DARCIA: Your siren scream is quite pimping. Are you challenging me to a rap-a-thon?

CHEZA: Damn straight!

(WHIPS OUT her NON-EXISTENT RAPPING UTENSILS)

CHEZA:  
I was like-  
Good gracious, wolves boudacious,

Flirtatious, Flower-zacious.  
I've been looking for the right time to go full bloom,

Lookin' for a way to get to par'dise soon.  
Oh, I going, smellin' like Febreeze  
Me and the rest of my doggies.

Check it, par'dise is a lot better than The Four Seasons

Dome place, full moon, Wolves be feedin'  
No deceivin', nothin' up my stem, an' no treason  
I need you to get up up into paradise.  
Give Darcia what he askin' for.  
'Cos I feel like bustin' loose and I feel like goin' bloom.  
Can't nobody stop the juice so baby tell me what's the use…

I said…

It's getting cold in here,  
So please turn down the heat (1)  
I am getting' so cold,  
I'm gonna turn the heat down…

DARCIA: I'll say, that was quite a performance. If you come with me, we can rule the world as the best rappers ever!

CHEZA: I like the way you think! (she LEAVES)

KIBA: But… I didn't get to rap…

TOBOE: 50 Cent is my great-great-great-great uncle. Somehow…

TSUME: Yeah, 'cause 50 Cent is definitely a wolf.

HIGE: I'm not…a wolf… I'ma golfer… blue… pansie… Harry Pooper.

KIBA: Hey hey, screw Harry Pooper, I mean, he can't beat me: The-wolf-who-never-needs-to-pee. Aha.

TOBOE: That's… ridiculous…

TSUME: What's more ridiculous is that the moon is red!

HIGE: Ph34r.

(PLACE WHERE CHER IS)

CHER: I'm here.

(DOME CITY)

HUBB: ZOMG I'M FINALLY LEAVING THIS PLACE! AFTER ELEVEN EPISODES! WOOHOO!

QUENT: The moon is red…

HUBB: Maybe it's maybeline.

QUENT: Maybe the world is ending.

HUBB: Ph34r.

ENDING

(3 WEEKS later, KIBA is freed from the HOSPITAL)

KIBA: This time, I'll be in an enclosed, safety guaranteed area! (he RUNS)

(All of the sudden, a HUGE METEORITE descends from the SKY and hits KIBA on the HEAD)

DIRECTOR: Omigosh Kiba! Why are you ALWAYS getting hurt?

KIBA: It's my duty! (he "DIES")

HIGE: Beef.

PREVIEW

HUBB: Spring is sprung.

KIBA: And so is something else… Harhar.

FEMALES: Men…

ENDING

(After 2 WEEKS, KIBA is FREE from the HOSPITAL)

KIBA: Finally! I know that I'm on a stage with a moving set to make it look like I'm running even though I'm running in place will guarantee no more accidents! Yay! (he RUNS IN PLACE)

(the LIGHTS on the STAGE make a STRANGE NOISE, then proceed to FALL ON KIBA)

DIRECTOR: Oh Jesus Christ.

-

Zomg It's over. Hoolay. … Hooray. Oh!

(1) Yeah, sort of an inside joke BUT(!) I will include anyone how is reading this in it. Okay okay. So my friend Terri always has her air conditioning going in her room. And so me and her and Ali (another friend) were sitting up there and, because I have no fat on my body, I started to get cold. Because I was high on sugar… my sentence came out as: "Ugh… turn down the heat, I'm cold!" Yeah.

!STUO-TUOHS

Demonslayer - ZOMG thanx for teh review! Albel is teh sex... haha. Luther/Fayt is _hawt_. Loves.

anonymous - (changed spelling on 'annoymous'... haha) Ahem. Thank you so much! (bow) I hope this chappy was just as enjoyable.

toboe's-Fan - (blush) Thank you so much! I hope this wait wasn't AS long as it seemed... jeez, I hate myself now.

Buddi-chan - Haha, Tsume is the most fun to do, I think. Kiba is an ASS though. I swear to God. Thanks for the review muchly!

Ashleychan - ... I'm sorry! I'm just a terrible procrastinator and- and... I'm not going to make up excuses and sink as low as the other authors! "Nyah, school this and school that! Nyah, Otakon! Nyah, that cheese went down the wrong tube! Nyah!" OkayI'mdonethatlittlerantthingsorryifIoffendedanyone.

Okay now bye er'body bye!


	12. Don't Make Me PMSish

Time for the next chappy… since I just renewed the disclaimer, I don't feel pressured and scared anymore. Yay.

This is the chapter where we get to make fun of Hige's horny-ness, Toboe's girliness, and the men's clothes! Yay!

EPISODE 12: Don't Make Me PMSish

(CASTLE/KEEP PLACE)

CHER: ZOMG I'm awake.

(SOMEWHERE)

DARCIA: I like explosions.

CHEZA: Do I look dead?

(WILDERNESS)

OLD LADY: Oh! Explosions! Considering the fact that every living soul on the planet is happy and gay and peaceful and loving, they must be from a festival!

OLD MAN: Tru dat.

(RAP-BATTLE FIELD)

KIBA: The moon is still red!

OPENING

CONTE: I am soooo sexay!

CHEZA: Marry me!

CONTE: I do!

(DARCIA KEEP)

DARCIA: I have Cheza! Wha… Wait a shit-second! Neze has been crucified! (throws CHEZA aside) Neze! Now is my chance to save you and earn your respect!

NEZE: Shit! YOU weren't supposed to show up! The team of assassins I hired… what happened to them? Grr… Don't touch me Darcia! I have nothing to say to you.

DARCIA: (frees NEZE anyway) I would listen to you, really. But you're plot worthy.

NEZE: Well to make you feel like shit… HAMONA IS GONE FO'EVA.

DARCIA: Noooo! (molests NEKKID HAMONA) (cries) NOOOOOSSS!1 (bangs his HEAD against STEEL) NOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSS!1!one

NEZE: Well that sure had the desired effect...

(CITY PLACE)

THUG: Sleep with me blue!

BLUE: Ra-ther!

THUG UNDERLING: I hearts j00!

BLUE: Ra-ther!

THUG HOBO: Pip pip tally-ho!

BLUE: What what?

(PLACE (I'm soooo creative!))

HIGE: Guyzzz look alive! I mean… at least we know that Cheza and Darcia have a common interest, so that means Darcia won't be raping her… right?

TOBOE: What a joke. Darcia is just another Ghetto-pimp wannabe. He'll do anything for sex…

TSUME: …But he won't do that.

KIBA: Huh?

BLUE: APPEARANCE!

TOBOE: IT'S LOVE!

BLUE: TRU DAT!

HIGE: What?

THUG: Blue has friends…

THUG HOBO: Huh? She's a lesbian?

TOBOE: I'm a guy!

THUG UNDERLING: That's scary! Let's run.

(They DO)

KIBA: Blasted ruffians.

TSUME: I hate you Blue. You stole Toboe from me! Fack yeh!

BLUE: (making out with TOBOE)

HIGE: I'm going to stalk Blue.

BLUE: Oh no! Toboe I just realized my lady troubles start up again soon! I have to go to CVS and buy some condoms! Err… I mean… Maxi Pads! Yes, that's it…

KIBA: Bye… loser.

BLUE: Ra-ther! (LEAVES)

HIGE: My tail is wagging! (FOLLOWS)

TOBOE: (gasp) He's going to molest my girlfriend! I must follow! (LEAVES)

KIBA: Sooo-

TSUME: Not a word!

(OUTSIDE ANOTHER OLD CITY. JEEZ HUBB. JEEZ QUENT)

CAR: EXPLOSION!

HUBB: My car just died! It's the end of the wooorld!

(silence)

HUBB: Time to go get drunk.

AUDIENCE: Ra-ther!

(BAR)

BARTENDER: That's a sexy picture of a woman you got there… I had no idea Playboy was back in business!

HUBB: Are you kidding? I own that company!

QUENT: No you don't… I do!

HUBB: (gasp) It's you…

QUENT: Yes. Yes it is.

(LATER)

QUENT: That Playboy poser-woman was here getting hammered last night.

HUBB: So was I!

QUENT: Blue is too horny for me. That's why I left her.

HUBB: Didn't she leave you…?

QUENT: She's a wolf.

HUBB: I hate you for not answering my well-directed and nosy questions! I'm leaving.

QUENT: (pets gun) Good old Winchester…

(DUMP PLACE)

KIBA: There are no more tasty humans left in the world.

TSUME: Don't worry Kiba, Taco Bell is still waiting for us!

KIBA: Yes… and when we get there, there are going to be lots of Cheza babies! I'll name one of them Enchilada.

TSUME: I'll name one Taco.

(BRIDGE DE ROMANCE)

BLUE: Why did you follow me?

HIGE: Because you belong to me! Not Toboe!

BLUE: Cool it, fatty. Toboe's way cooler than you. Even the audience agrees!

AUDIENCE: Holla!

HIGE: What are you doing here?

BLUE: Weeeell… I was going to get some pads but then I figured out the script said I should stop and be all moping and shit. Yeah. So I wanted to work!

HIGE: I used to work in a porno shop.

BLUE: That's more than I needed to know.

HIGE: Wanna run away?

BLUE: Where to?

HIGE: Well I dunno… Maybe we can snack on some scones and go down to Wimbledon.

BLUE: One would suspect our fun would be ruined by the cold again.

HIGE: Blasted ruffians.

TOBOE: (APPEARS) Hige! Stop molesting my girlfriend! (Knocks HIGE out) Blue! I love you!

BLUE: Oh Toboe! Take me!

(CENSORED)

TOBOE: Something tells me Kiba and Tsume are in danger! Let us rescue them!

BLUE: Okay!

HIGE: W-wait for me!

(DUMP)

THUG: Waha! We got us some cross-dressers! Where's the girly one?

THUG UNDERLING: Jagura may have a sick sense of humor, but hobos in drag are what she's lookin' for!

TSUME: (gasp) Jagura! I used to date a girl named Jagura!

THUG HOBO: Die!

(WILDERNESS SORT OF)

OLD LADY: Young people! Oh my! What is that God-awful leather get-up you're wearing? And… and those shoes! They're terrible!

KIBA/TSUME: (sob) Nooo! Fashion crisis!

OLD MAN: Die, hobos! (whips out GUN)

KIBA: No, we need to be hidden! Some crazy man-thugs are after our fashioness!

BLUE: Old man! I have cool clothes!

OLD MAN: You're right! We'll save you!

(THUGS ARRIVE)

THUG: Noooo! They killed the cross-dressers! (spit) Let's go!

(THUGS LEAVE)

(BAR)

HUBB: I'm so hammered!

QUENT: I miss my generic family.

HUBB: Women are the cancer of society!

WOMAN BARTENDER: Men are shit.

QUENT: Be single! Be strong!

HUBB: I miss my porn-star wife.

(LATER)

QUENT: Detective Dandelion… let's go spin-up some shit in the next city.

HUBB: I'm with ya.

(WILDERNESS SORT OF AGAIN)

OLD LADY: I hope you terrible looking boys are safe now. I mean… seriously! I'm like 80 years old and I have better fashion sense than you! Fat man! You shouldn't wear such baggy clothes! It makes you look 100 pounds heavier than you already are! Girly-man! I swear, your ass always looks like you have a wedgie with those terrible pants! And gangsta man! Leather is soooo out, especially tight leather! And leader man! Get some real shoes on! You look like a goth of old with Levi's! Jesus!

OLD MAN: Only the females in this anime have the truest fashion sense.

KIBA: You people hurt my feelings! Let's go!

OLD LADY: I don't really know where you're going, but I hope you're going to a mall!

OLD MAN: Ra-ther!

ENDING

KIBA: (in a SUIT OF ARMOR) I'm gonna be OKAY!

SOMETHING: BLOWS UP!

KIBA: Aw dammit.

TSUME: Kick the can, win 100 dollars.

PREVIEW

QUENT: I swear to God! Young people, listen up! Instead of buying a car, buy cocaine! I swear, because, you can just use the leftover money to take a bus!

CHER: Ass, Grass or Gas; no one rides for free.

Okay… I didn't like that one very much. The middle was sort of bland. I had trouble working out the whole Toboe/Blue thing. No, I don't really support that pairing (Wolf's Rain OTP: Tsume/Toboe), but it was just funny since all Toboe ever gets is leftovers. Give him the fine shit! Yeah!

**_IMPORTANT NOTICE FOR YOUZZZ _**

Recently, I just had my other parody taken down because it was scripted. After this parody is finished and is no longer updated, it will probably be taken down about after a year. Then, I might be in danger of losing my account.

Because I really like this parody, and others seem to enjoy it as well, I was wondering if anyone knows a Wolf's Rain archive or site or whatever that would host this fic, so more people can enjoy it after it's deleted.

If you know of any, (or run one) e-mail me (e-mail on Profile page) or drop me a review. This would be so helpful!

Thanks very much!

SHOUT-OUTS! (I only got three reviews.. Oh well, they were good... I'm not being picky.)

Moondog186 - ZOMG I know! It's sooo exciting! Haha, me gusta el perro de Taco Bell! Gracias para el review...o...

Buddi-chan - Hooray! Thank you sooo much for understanding my procrastination problem. Oh and, they hint at it so much in the anime that Cheza used to be a cucumber. Thanks for the review!

Miss-Ashleychan - (gives a cookie) Thanks sooo much for the review! Teehee! I'm gald you liked that part because I was at a total loss as to what I should've done for that scene. It was so stupid and weird... So yeah. Thanks again!

(sigh) It's so glad to be back on track. I still need to purchase the last two volumes of the series... It's not like I can remember ALL 30 episodes.

Oh yeah! Filler episodes coming soon! AND they won't be scripted. Just cracked out dialogue and stuff. Yeah.


	13. OMGWTFBBQ

CHAPTER 13: YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS A REAL CHAPTER LOL

Hello, my little lovebirds.

As you probably noticed, I've totally dropped this fic. And for a good number of reasons. First off, I have a total lack of interest in this fic. I once vowed to myself that I would never drop a story because I simply was bored with it, but it's happened. And it's sad too.

Also, scripted fics are not allowed on this site. I recently had one of my older parodies deleted because it was scripted. I tried rewriting this parody without the script format, but it was just… boring.

When I figure out how to (I'm such a n00b), I will delete this account. I'm starting over. My interests and writing styles have changed drastically.

However, if you would like to continue this fic then please feel free to E-MAIL ME, and tell me. Finish it, re-write it, do whatever you want. Just don't claim the chapters I wrote as your own. Personally, I would love to see this parody continued, just not by me.

So, sorry everyone.

Peace out.


End file.
